Octarine life

When an EMT Falls

2009-12-16T10:09:00.002-05:00

I wrote this a while ago and had it on my old website, but re-read it and felt compelled to move it here.

March 21, 2004

Another memoir of my life changing experience being a local volley on a busy suburban first aid and rescue squad.

On Monday March 15, 2004 a local EMT was struck down and killed on a EMS call. The EMT, Jim, had parked his car on the side of a six lane divided highway (a local street here in overpopulated NJ). He crossed the northbound side, which had police cars blocking the lanes to approach the car accident with a woman having chest pain. He was run over by a woman who did not heed the police cars or flashing lights. He was 53, 11 years on the Red and White…. His own family of EMT’s were there and the first ones to attempt to save his life although they knew it would be in vain. The medics arrived, and pulled the two young members away (they were in their early 20’s).

When news of this tragedy reached the network of volunteers all over the state, everyone went into mourning…. Flags were dropped, black and purple bunting hung over doors state wide… One of our own was gone… I knew I had to go, although the trauma of such a funeral would undoubtedly open up the wounds I so painfully tried to forget of my 9-11 memories. He was one of us, not a police man, not a firefighter, but a volunteer EMT… We had to go… To show that we are there for each other.

So the evening of Friday March 20th, I set out my uniform, pressed it, and made sure all my pins and patches were on just right. I pulled out my duty shoes and cleaned and polished them to a shine.. I replaced the laces and went to sleep, thinking of my own mortality and how there were so many times that it could have been me or one of my crew.

Saturday morning, I awoke, and dressed. I made sure there were no wrinkles, no threads hanging from the sleeves. It seems like a simple thing to button up your shirt, but when you are facing a task that is so grave, so necessary, even the simple daily motions take strength… In my pockets I placed a pressed, white handkerchief and some hard candies for the lump that was in my throat.

I drove the 2 miles to my local building and met up with the other members who had all taken the same pride in their uniforms. I grabbed a clean towel and polished the chrome on our newest ambulance Alpha 2. I have a tendency to do this a lot, but this was just so therapeutic to do. We drove A-2 and our support van A-6 the 15 minute drive to the SOBFD (or as Frankie, our 76 year old volunteer who still answers calls, called them “the son of a bitches fire department”). As I drove our new ambulance, a E450 chassis with a mod box, our radio was tuned to JEMS 4. This would be our staging frequency for the service. As we drove closer, we listened to the various ambulance crews call in from all over the state call to say they were close and needed directions… Crews from the north corner of the state to the very southern tip showed up.

We parked our ambulance at the church that the service would be held at. The parking lot was full of emergency vehicles… Probably over 100 ambulances, fire trucks, and cars. They bussed us to the fire department about 2 blocks away. There was mounds of food, coffee and fruit. The three fire truck bays full of donated food for everyone. There we talked with the two young members with their dress whites on, black band over their badges about how the medics would not let them treat him.. How they felt so helpless, a feeling that we have so often as EMT’s.

We were bussed back to the church and formed a single line from the front of the church down the driveway and down the street. At the beginning was two SOBFD ladder trucks with a 30 x 60 flag between them. Rumor stated that the flag was donated by a friend of a friend of a friend that drove the flag down from upstate New York the night before. We were called to attention and then salute as the funeral procession neared the arch. In front were two motorcycle police, followed by bagpipers, (of which two were NYC, one fireman and one police). The black funeral directors van was next, with the president of the Red and White leading their ambulance. The ambulance was draped with purple and black bunting, over the front grille and the light bar. The lights were on, but covered by the shroud of death. On each side of the ambulance walked the pole bearers. Behind the entire squad marched, followed by the fire department. When the procession reached the front doors of the church we watched the scene of hundreds of uniformed people, all different colors of shirts, all different badges.. The flag flew at half staff, as a rumbling could be heard in the distance… In from the north corner flew our medical evac helicopter Northstar. It flew over head, rotors tipped to the side, and flew off to the south….We all held our breath.

We all filed into the church for the service, a tear filled one with bagpipers in the choir loft. The preacher talked about how he was a hero, how he lived and died a hero. Helping people, sacrificing ourselves to our fellow man. I think the most moving eulogy was given by the fire chief. He recited a work called “When God mad the EMT”. (I found the work on the internet and have attached it). We all cried.

We saluted as the coffin was placed back into the ambulance and then were dismissed to our own rigs. Then “the last ride” began. A procession led by the bagpipers, ambulance and police left the parking lot and went east. All ~150 ambulances with lights on, no sirens followed the last route of Jim. We went down route 9 to where the accident was, then we went to the hospital where he was pronounced, and then proceeded up route 18 past the Red and White squad building. As we entered EB on the way to the cemetery, the EB fire department had created a second ladder flag arch. With their members standing salute to both sides of the highway ramp. People stood on the sides of the street, watching this silent procession of vehicles from all over the state, Long Island, and Maryland.

When we reached the cemetery, we created a path for the pall bearers to walk to the grave site. As the clergy, bagpipers, pall bearers, family and squad members walked through, we all saluted. It was a bright blue day with a brisk wind on that hill overlooking New Jersey. Snow on the ground made our feet just as numb as our hearts. As he was laid to rest, the bagpipers played. The flag was folded, and his last call was announced. All the pagers of the rescue squad went off, their distinct tones ringing through the brisk silent day. “Dispatcher KDL112 to OBRS, this is the last call for EMT Jim D. He is 10-7 (out of service), may he rest in peace, Dispatcher KDL112”. People shook, tears flowed, I could not help it…The 21 gun salute was volleyed and taps played.
We were dismissed. I drove my crew back to our town.

I have been to funerals, and military burials, but this moving ceremony for a public servant that so many people overlook truly moved me. It was a beautiful feeling to know that we as EMT’s are part of a vast brotherhood that stretches for miles. That if we are in need there will be someone there.. Thank you.

The Itch...

2009-12-16T09:53:00.002-05:00

So here I am, prit near 37 weeks pregnant, and all I can think about is EMS.

WTF?!?! Talk about a time in my life when I am the farthest from my passion, that I find myself reminiscing about all the old calls, the old squad, the new FD I never really even had a chance to get my teeth into before the "surprise!".

I am a trauma junkie, and find myself oohing and ahhing over the most horrific pictures I can find on the Internet of recent trauma (Thank you 1st responder broadcast network!). Then I find myself forwarding them or talking to my FF/EMT brother about them.

Will I ever get back into it like I did before children? Will I find EMS in NH is as fulfilling as riding crew in urban NJ? I do not know. When I had my pager on, it seemed all that was happening when I was home was the PITA fire alarm activations... GRRR.

Maybe it is because my 9-5 job has turned up the suck factor. That being a Biochemist has seemed hollow and meaningless lately. No great "AH HA!" discoveries or anything. That my career has turned into nothing but a job with a paycheck. (No sir, I am not disgruntled :)

Oh well.. All I can say is that in 4 weeks (+ or - 2) my life will change yet again, with a brandy new DD to turn my life upside down and show me that there is more worth fighting for.

Sallie

2009-12-07T11:17:00.003-05:00

Sallie,

Although this dog we rescued June 2008 would never win the Lassie award, she became part of our family.

Our fond moments were her running all out around our yard. Jumping the stone wall in the front in a single bound. Digging up all the moles and voles and using them as doggie treats (our lawn never looked so good!). Running up the drive whimpering for me when my truck pulled down the road.

Our not so fond memories, peeing all over my living room rug, even though she had ample outside time. Pooping in my DD's bedroom. Eating anything left on the kitchen table when we were not looking. Snacking on the kitty poo by bringing it into the living room carpet and chowing down. Leaving 2 foot butt streaks on the carpet of my bedroom. Peeing in fear or barking when my husband entered the house. Eating miscelanious childrens toys including crayola twist up crayons. Running away from my husband and DD.

But no one deserves the end she faced. Somehow while at the kennel over the holidays, she sustained a neck injury that damaged her spinal disks. An x-ray revealed IVDD, degenerative disk disease. She was in constant pain, the slightest movement would create a minute long tirade of screaches and howls as she dropped to the floor in pain. Surgery, without any guerantees was an option, starting at about $4,000. to $10,000, and only done by a Vet about two hours away. Conservative management meant crate confinement and carrying her out to go to the bathroom. We tried it for a week. She would just roll over in the night and start screaming.

We had to make a decision. I could not let her live this way. On Friday 12/4/09 we had to say goodbye to Sallie.

She will be forever in our hearts and memories.

So young, yet so....

2009-11-06T09:59:00.002-05:00

So yesterday I Maddie decides to wear the fuzzy flourescent green hooded vest Nana brought up for her. The front looks like something out of Sesame Street.

We walk into her preschool class the the first thing, a bunch of kids all exclaim "your shirt looks so soft, I just want to touch it!" and swarm towards her. At which point she runs for cover behind me and mumbles something.

I take her aside and ask her what she stated and this is what I got...

"Moommm, I don't want them touching my shirt, I got my flu vaccine, but did they? They probably have flu buggies!"

I did not know what to say? She is 4 for goodness sake! I had to inform her that she would not get flu buggies from the other children if they touched her shirt.. just to make sure that she washes her hands a lot, especially before eating snack, etc...

Man, by DD already is a germaphobe!

Movember

2009-11-04T10:05:00.000-05:00

It seems that November is mens health awareness month, and my friend sent me a link to his Mo page. Seems that the Stache off theme is spreading! So it is moustache month... Guess DD had her stache too early in October.. :)

Why?

2009-10-08T11:30:00.002-04:00

Ok, so being the mother of a 4 year old DD who is quite an independant spirit, I never know what to expect. So this is just another paragraph in the life of mom living.

Yesterday morning, I was in the bathroom getting ready at the sink, DH was in the shower when DD walks in. She has both hands over her mouth and mumbles something. I ask her to repeat what she stated because i could not hear her. She states it louder, still behind two hands. At this point I lean down and give her my ear. She then mumbles "you are not going to be mad are you?" To which I replied, well, it depends, what did you do?

She removes her hands to show quite an interesting bit of artwork done with a black ball point pen. I ask "what did you do?" She replies " I wanted a moustache."

I calmly tell her, "Why? little girls do not have moustaches, mommies do not have moustaches, but some daddies do". Then she clarifies "Our daddy does not have a moustache!" No, he does not.

I never could get a reason why she wanted a moustache. Took out the baby oil and a cotton ball and removed as much of her 4 year old moustache as I could before bringing her to preschool.

Sigh...

I woke up to what?

2009-09-04T13:37:00.003-04:00

Alright, so I am "on call" 24/7 now till the end of September, and had to field a couple of calls overnight, so sleep was at a minimum.

This AM I am awoken by my 4 yo DD asking me "Mommy, can I play with Cheesus?" My response was "mwhaaa?" So she clarified, "you know Cheesus, the little people who you have locked in the basement? Can I play with him today?"

Slowly the synapsis started to fire and a bit of things fell into place.

"Do you mean Jesus and the christmas nativity set from Fisher Price's little people collection?"

"YES! Cheesus and the dog!"

"Ok, you can play with Jesus after school. Please repeat after me JESUS." :)

Sigh. What a way to wake up, Cheesus locked in the basement...

Thanks again Big O!

2009-08-11T09:43:00.002-04:00

So not only does the visit by the Pres mean I will not be able to leave work at lunch today due to massive traffic restrictions as he flies is air force one into the airport I look at everyday out my work window, but I get a notice from American Express.

Yes, the Big O man passed that great credit card reform law, remember? You know where credit cards cant pitch their crap to college kids, and all that nice protection for the masses that was promised?

Well, now on top of B of A increasing all their frivolous fees on my other card, good old American Express Blue just gave us notice that starting October 1st, our interest rate will go from a lucrative 7-9% to 11.99% plus prime, not to be less than 15.99% anual APR!!!!! And we are a member in good standing!!!!! (No late fees, no delinquent payments, etc.) They actually had the audacity to state it was due to changing economic times! (Yeah, that is what my work stated when they gave out NO raises, and my DH job when they terminated his contract, leading to 8+ months of unemployment!)

And what do I find when I search the internet, but this news article from July...

http://www.usatoday.com/money/perfi/credit/2009-06-29-banks-fees-credit_N.htm?obref=obinsite

Just freaking wonderful! Now for me, all it means is I will take a bit of cash from savings and tell good ol AM to go pack it sideways and they will never get a bit of intrest out of me again! HA HA!

But what about all those people the big O promised to protect? All those people that do not have a bit in their savings to pay off their credit? They get HOSED!!!!!!!!

So how does this govornment regulation help me? I can't see it.

And now the pitch on health care reform. Where I loose my right to choose my health coverage, where I have to pay for others who choose to not pay for insurance! Again, I do not see me or my family coming out of this on the winning side!

Grumble over...

You said WHAT?

2009-08-10T16:06:00.003-04:00

DD was on her way to school, safely belted into the back of my truck when she spies my duty belt and starts to pull it apart. First the stethoscope is hung on the coat hook by the ear peaces, then the gloves don both hands.

She then asks me "Mommy you drive a fire truck right?" To which I reply "no, I drive an ambulance. Mommy needs to go to more training to drive the fire truck, but with new baby on the way, I have not been able to go to all the training"

Which she then replies "I have your scissors! Can we CUT the baby out now?" (Thank god I was driving, or else I probably would have had a small fit, however since this is not the first time my sweet innocent 4yo has pulled out the tazer on me, I was prepared).

I replied "No, we cannot get the baby out now, it is not done growing, and will only come out when it is ready"

So she sat there a minute and then logically stated "Ok, so when the baby pops out, Daddy and I will stay home and take care of the baby and you can go get your training. That's a plan ok?"

"Ok, but I drive the ambulance already, is that not good enough?"

She replies "NOPE! You have to drive the Fire Truck! I like the fire truck better, because my Playmobile ambulance drivers are scary looking, and I like the fire truck men better"

Sigh. EMS, seems like it is never good enough... From the mouths of babes..

(Note to self, keep the sharps locked up for a while...)

Science Lagging in the US

2009-07-10T16:18:00.003-04:00

There has been a couple good articles on the sorry state of US science advancement today. One was here. http://news.cnet.com/8301-11386_3-10283801-76.html

My comment on this. HELL YEAH! The US view of science is pathetic at best. Let's face it, science is not looked well upon in the public education system, and for students to show any desire to continue their education in science, the public view is "NERD".

Science recruiters do not come to schools, no one tells young children that being a scientist is a well worth it, well recompensed profession! No, we push sports heros, stock traders, lawyers, and even now being a doctor is not as glorious as it once was. The reasons? MONEY.

There is no money to be made in science. You hardly find anyone with a pHD or undergrad degree making $200 -$300 that you see in some mediocre financial fields or law. And you sure don't make the milions atheletes make. pH D. programs can cost just about as much as a medical degreee, but guess where it gets you? If you are lucky a job in academia, where every penny is scrutinized and must be begged for in grants.

And if you take this a step further, past the fact that the general public looks at scientists as some sort of oddity, start looking at our scientific corporations left here in the US. My basis is biotechnology so this is heavily slanted to pharmaceuticals, etc. But if you ask my husband who is a Mechanical Engineer, US engineering might has seen it's hayday too.

So what big pharma do we have left in the US? Not a whole lot. Start looking at the mergers, the name changes, and you will see that most companies are now owned by forign entities. (Even the one I work at is not US based). Where has our proud pharma history gone? Fractured into peices. We used to be a powerhouse, pumping out the newest ideas, the most radical cures, the place to be for medicine. But what has come out of those doors? What diseases have we cured?

Erectile disfunction? Attention deficit disorders?

We are living in a sorry state. Where the population is looking for government controlled healthcare, so that everyone can get as many happy pills as they deem necessary and not pay a penny more thank you.

But what does that DO to the structure of american health research? Does anyone see the fact that if there is less money coming in, there will be less research done, less new cures for disease. And if we take a lesson from what has been introduced lately, the only medicine coming out will be lifestyle pills. Lets face it, no one dies from erectile disfunction, yet you will be abe to prevent it by paying $ for your fair share of pills.

Sorry, sorry state...

I hate SLOW!

2009-07-07T15:53:00.004-04:00

So, I had a gift card for Borders books. I do not normally order books from Borders online, but since there was not a Borders near me, and lets face it Waldenbooks in the malls are always full price or worse!

I found some books I wanted and ordered them on June 29th. I was informed that my order qualified for free shipping. Woo Hoo! Even better!

But. Yes the big butttt you never get anything for free is true here. It is now June 7th, and their website has informed me that the estimated delivery date is June 10th! WTF!!!! Even the Borders website calls it 3-5 business day shipping! This is just insane! Even if you discount the 3rd being a federal holiday (the observation of the 4th), it is still 8 business days!

So needless to say, I am still waiting for four paper back books to arrive, and have come to the conclusion that Barnes and Noble free and fast shipping rocks, so does Amazon Prime! So never again will I order from Borders and sit on my hands while Fedex lets my package rot on some horse drawn buggy going 5 MPH!

I expect more in todays age of I WANT IT NOW!

:)

EEEEVIL Tylenol

2009-06-30T16:29:00.004-04:00

Ugh. I am tired of reading where the government again feels the need to protect the dim witted and stupid people by penalizing everyone.

Now the FDA has decided to BAN percocet and vicodin, and limit the amount of OTC tylenol because of overdose risk?!?!?!?

WTF!!!!!!!!

You have got to be kidding me! So now because some morons who use too much of it kill their liver, these perfectly safe, when taken as prescribed medications will no longer be there for people that need them. What does the all mighty FDA recommend as a substitution? Straight Morphine to go home with after major surgery?

This just kills me and reaks of what we are told as children, it is the morons, the stupid ones that ruin it for everyone! Aint that the truth! Someone goes out and chuggs tons of these medications, and then everyone else has to go scratch when it comes to legitimate pain issues.

In my time, I have seen them all while riding EMS. The ones that "ground up their oxycodone and snorted it", the ones that blame the system when they become addicted to their spouses back pain meds. The morons who chew a transdermal narcotic patch!

The thing that kills me, is that people who want to overdose, will overdose. Those that are abusing the drugs will continue to abuse them. Removing them from the market does not fix the problem (can anyone say the war on illegal drugs example? people still using them!).

Just tired of our overbearing government agencies telling us "it is for your best interest". I don't want them as a parent!

The useless state of todays medical insurance.

2009-06-30T10:03:00.004-04:00

So I read an article, the number one cause of bankruptcy in USA? Medical debt!

And you know what I think about this! It is because of the horrendous amount of crap one must endure to figgure out medical bills and confusing insurance claims. None of them make sense, none of them are written in plain english.

Get this, I recieved a collections notice for services rendered last year. So after the initial WTF!! OMGYUPOS! I started digging. And this is what I found.

The claim was for a Dr. whom I have seen numerous times. (but due to this, and other reasons, will NEVER GO BACK THERE AGAIN!). And she is in network. But for some ungodly reason, the insurance company processed it as out of network (so in essence go impale yourself on a blunt object and pay the full price out of your bodily orfice).

Then they re-processed it as in-network. And supposidly sent ME a check for this in-network Dr. Needless to say, if I did get the check, it was mixed in with my flex spending checks, and I had no clue they sent it to me. Instead of sending it to the F-ing provider!

So then flash forward, now the collection agency is demanding payment, and it has taken me three days of trying to figgure out what the flaming poo happened.

Now I have to pay the collection agency and all I want to do is scream and say all of this is such a hemmroid that it just makes me so pissed that NO ONE can do their job right, and in the end I have to somehow "fix" everything in some sort of a rush before they threaten me with all this rediculous crap that sounds like I am trying to screw them out of a million dollars!

In short, I HATE healthcare! I HATE insurance language and medical biling is such a joke, I want to tear someone limb from limb! Somehow average Joe americal gets screwed every time because we are supposed to be all knowing and versed in the secret codex of medical billing!

GRRR....

One Gilr's Battle Against Toe FUZZ

2009-06-19T11:16:00.003-04:00

Sigh...

So my DD has decided that Toe fuzz is the equivalent of some alien life form that must be irradicated. She has become sort of neruotic about checking between each and every toe, examining them closely to make sure not a microscopic speck of fuzz exists.

If by chance she finds any there is this determined face as she attempts to remove the offending fuzz before this grin of winning her daily war on the unsuspecting toe fuzz.

The other night she was with me in the family bed, when I pulled off my socks and slid under the sheets. She acted outraged! I had NOT checked for toe fuzz! She then proceeded to announce that SHE would take her assault on toe fuzz into the no mans land of mommies toes! Trying to go along, she duitifully examined each toe on one foot and demanded the other foot as well. She then pronounced me "ALL CLEAR!"

Sigh.. The things kids like to do. Which reminds me to tell ya about how living in this tick infested forest has now lead my DD to do tick checks on her stuffed animals mimicking how mommy has to check daddie's back after working outside. She is so serious about it too, saying the word Tick like it is some nasty monster. And then declares they are all good. :)

The playground

2009-06-04T10:55:00.002-04:00

Well the playground arrived and was assembled yesterday. Madeline was in love! She just started screeching and running towards it. It was really cute! The first thing she did was climb up and run around the fort part. Then down the slide head first!

It is really nice and daddy did a great job picking out one that would be interesting for her. She easily scaled the 7 foot rock wall and proceeded to tell me "you still don't believe it huh mom!"

Sigh. My little girl is getting so big.

Today she slept in content, second night in a row with a dry nightime diaper! That is a big deal for us because I told her if she went three nights in a row dry, we would try out going to sleep in underwear instead of the sweaty diaper. She seems really enthusiastic about the whole thing and even woke up at 3:00am to use the bathroom.

She was able to fall back asleep, but unfortunately for me I was unable to. I rolled around for a while, and then I must have fallen asleep because I had one weirdo dream. The kind that fuels my short story type of dreams. It was so vivid and odd. I could see faces of people. All strangers, but in my dream were familiar. Primarily two guys in the dream. All the other people were the typical dream people blobs.. I will have to try to capture some of this one, it was really surreal, and I did wake up going "man, that would make one interesting story"....

Sigh.. too many story themes, not enough time to write!

My child...

2009-06-03T17:15:00.001-04:00

Well I picked Madeline up from school and then was given a lecture.

It went like this...

"Mommy, you know you are not supposed to use those fucking bad words, because they are bad and you are not supposed to say them."

"I know Maddie, I try not too"

"You know you use a lot of them in the Truck, and you shouldn't because they are somebodies Uncles out there!"

That was followed up with Whaaat? Somebodies uncles... I think she kind of misinterpreted a lesson from school. :)

the mystery in the garden

2009-06-01T15:34:00.003-04:00

Yeah the title sounds all mystic and wooo hooooeeee huh. Not all that cool honestly.

I planted my veggie garden and in the three weeks it has been in the dirt, some interesting things have been going on. First off the tomatoes, peppers, beans, and peas all appear to be growing as expected. So are the perimeter nasty smelling marigolds.. But...

First it was the squash that went funny. The leaves turned all white, like something drained the chlorophyl from them. Not yellow, not brown, just white all over. So I threw out the wilted white corpses and made fresh mounds on the other side of the raised bed and tried again. Same results.

Next my zuchinni succumed to this white blight, and now the cukes are looking a bit pale as well! WHAT IS GOING ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I should blame bunnicula, the vampire bunny rabbit from my youth who sucked the juice out of celery in the garden... Yes! that must be it!

So It looks like I will have lots of tomatoes, but will be relying on my local grocer for the victims of bunnicula...

New England Gardening

2009-05-19T12:58:00.004-04:00

My husband first made this observation when we came up here looking for housing as part of my relocation package. "How the heck did these towns even come to be in 1639? How did they live here?" Why?

Because this area is one rocky rolling mess of sand, wetlands, and well, more sand. As someone who likes to consider themselves a decent gardener, this area has challenged my skills. Not only is the soil (if you can call it that) mainly sandy till you hit rock not too far down, the growing season is like rediculously short as well.

I set out my vegetable garden last weekend, seems reasonable right? To plant tomatoes, peppers, etc around May 15th? Well I was scorned by the locals who told me "Nothin in till Memorial Day". What? How the heck can you grow anything with the threat of last frost at the end of May and the first one in September?

So that brings me back to "how the heck did people live here?" New England is not a farming friendly area {hence the beautiful historic stone walls} and with the climate the way it is, how did anyone make a family garden to feed themselves?

I ended up trying to cover my garden last night because of a frost warning. Seems the temp only dipped to about 36F, but still enough to stunt my little saplings out there eeking out an existance.

I have already noticed that my raised bed from last year is doing much better at water retention and soil quality. This years bed is dusty brown and not too lively, wheras last years is a nice rich black. Looks like I have more work to do!

King of the Cube Baby!!!

2009-05-15T14:16:00.003-04:00

Oh yeah! After months of complaining that my company computer monitor (17" CRT) was browning out, flikkering, and well, just an antiquated POS, I finally recieved my upgrade.

It was precipitated by me starting a Track-it requesting a new monitor. (We joke that a track-it submission is the corporate way of shelving shit we don't want to have to deal with, ya know, take a number....) And I waited weeks...

Then at the beginning of the week I was chosen to be a guinea pig for a new software installation, which crashed and burned. Not to mention pegging out my poor hamster of a processor to the point where I just about had to do CPR on the motherboard!!! But that required the head of our IT department to show up. And what did he say "HOLY CRAP, your monitor is really bad!" At which point I camly (ok, making faces when he sat with his back to me) stated, I did put a Track-it in two weeks ago. His reply "oh...".

So by the next day my desk was adorned by a nice brandy new 22" widescreen LCD. :) Sigh... Smiles of happiness pass over my face as my poor eyes no longer feel like they are being pulled out by hot pokers of blurry text!

We all were supposed to get upgraded monitors last year, but well, fell through the cracks, so now I have to endure the looks of "who did she ..... to get the cool monitor?" from my cube mates... Oh, well, I just turn my back on them, let my eyes fall apon this bit of technological beauty and smile...

Finally!

2009-05-15T11:56:00.004-04:00

How long has it been? Oh, I don't know, maybe started this whole thing in FEBRUARY!

But today I found out I am now licensed as an EMT in the state of NH! Yup! Took yet another phone call up to the capitol to get that information. Turns out they mailed my license to a Lincolin drive... NO SUCH PLACE! The girl asked if I moved from there recently. I told her, well since it does not exist in the town of Brentwood, NO. The pain! {exclaimed in my Spock mind melding with the live rock voice!}

So, That means when I turn on my scanner, I can actually respond to calls! WOW! I think I will go out and get a red light for my truck then! Last time I tried mosy-ing up to the station, I had gramps in front of me who well, was going 5 UNDER the limit, and I was not even tailing him... Oh well... No guarantee that gramps will even see the light and be so kind as to move his sad arse over.

Finally,

2009-05-15T11:56:00.001-04:00

My Dak...

2009-05-07T14:14:00.002-04:00

Sigh....

My Dak... (Ok, Dodge Dakota for you non truck types...). Decided to bring my 2002 QQ 4x4 in for it's a little over 100,000 mile check up..

And the damage?
~$600 for a tune up and some misc parts. The tune up consists of spark plugs, air filter and some cleaner put through the injection ports.... All for the oh so cheap tune of $420! Throw in the typical oil change, and then something more for good measure... A radiator hose. Which pisses me off, because I had the coolant system replaced under insurance due to an accident in 2006 and so far I have had to replace the water pump, hoses, and oh yeah, when they put the new radiator in, they used the old cap, so had to replace that and the thermostat all since they "fixed" it. (Enter grumble about how auto insurance is legalized protection money and all it does is screw you over in the end...). So now the top radiator hose is all swollen and goina burst as the mechanic stated... Fun...

But that is not all folks, the list goes on... Recommended I replace my valve cover (exhaust manifold) gasket due to some "weeping oil" { um, I should be the one weeping here....}. Replace the burnt power steering fluid, flush and replace the front diff, rear diff, and transfer case fluids. All for an additional $750!

Oh, and my breaks will need to be replaced by inspection time in September, and a fog light lens is cracked, so that has to be changed in order to pass inspection also...

Well, looks like I will be forking this over though, since I am really not in the market to buy a new car anytime soon. All this can be added to what I have already done on this BB besides the regular maintenance. Rebuilt the rear diff, tie rod ends, upper and lower ball joints, transmission flush.... ugh, the list goes on.....

Sigh....

The Orioles are back in town!

2009-05-03T16:20:00.000-04:00

Woo hooo!

Saturday was my first Oriole sighting! One male flew in and checked out my makeshift platform feeder where I had the oranges last year.

So I rushed out and bought a bag of oranges, sliced it in half and within the hour had two feasting away! It was so great to see them again, and since they knew right where to go, is a good sign they were here last year.

We also have our small flock ~4 yellow finches back for about a week now in their bright yellow feathers.

Did I tell ya I love spring after a long New England winter?

Dream

2009-04-22T13:52:00.003-04:00

Ok, so I had this really weird dream that was so vivid when I woke up it was unreal...

I was a motorcycle rider?!?! I had on a black helmet, dressed all in black, and ok, I kid you not, this little black half cape tied around my neck... (ok, ridiculous I know, especial since it is dangerous for superheroes to wear capes {thanks for the info Mr. Incredible}).

I was at a gas station with this enormous black motorcycle, no chrome, all pitch black, like something DEATH in a Discworld novel would ride. And... I could not figure out where to put the gas! I was standing there with the gas nozzle just staring at the massive machine.

Then this gas attendant, dressed like something out of Leave it to Beaver episode, little boat hat, striped shirt walks up and asks if I need assistance and fills my tank.

The end of the dream is me sitting on top of this monstrous contraption, and all I can remember is that I was smiling so much my cheeks hurt..

Ok, so WTF is that?!?! I can be heard referring to motorcycles as donorcycles after my mirad of ambulance calls, where we are thankful they wore a helmet, because it makes spatula duty easier....

My co-worker who chuckled that she is not a dream interpreter told me it sounds like I need a vacation, that the motorcycle was representative of having no ties, no room for DH, no carseat for DD, no place for the dog, cats, crabs, fish... Just me and this giant joy ride... Told me I should by a Harley... Next I will be getting a tat!

But the cape?!??!

Defeat? Refocus?

2009-04-21T16:23:00.002-04:00

In these ever changing economic times, I find myself challenged. Challenged on many fronts. First, we moved to NH with the intention of building a family, having a great place to raise children. Well, my reproductive history has been as sucessful as Red Korea's space program! PSSSTTTT.... crash and burn... So where does that land me? Re-evaluation....

DH's lucrative contract job came to a screeching halt in November of 2008. So it was onto the list for unemployment. That alone is a blog list and a half about dealing with how to cope with job loss (ok, you can enter here many expletives like "my career is over, I am worthless, why did I go to school? I can't even get a hamburger job!!!"..) The emotional rollercoaster is hell... So Re-evaluation...

My role in ICAN.. I came to the realization that I am the crappyest chapter leader in history. We have no members, we have no money, and well, try as I might, each time I say "I will call ten more places to look for a meeting location" I am frustrated that the last 20 have been "go bugger off nut job! the cost is $300 a day, you need insurance, you are not a resident of the town, we are too small to offer meeting space"... And that on top of my reproductive losses leaving me emotionally drained and finding it hard to relate to pregnancy at the moment .. {like an elusive rare bird that happens to other people. Other people have happy healthy worry free pregnancies... not me}.. DH is not supportive, feels that I am well, emotionally instable to carry the weight of other women's needs. (yeah makes me feel great he has such confidence in me!) But I know what he is trying to say... I am needed by Him, by my DD. And he does not want to see that suffer from me fracturing into a million peices... So, re-evaluation...

Being an EMT... Thought it would be no big deal, but up here getting my NH license has been the equivalent of trying to join a super secret society! There has been no cut and dry directions on anything! First it was weeks of finding out exactly what courses I need to do to convert my NJ license to a NH one. Then it was weeks of figguring out what was needed to apease the National Registry whores who seemed to not cooperate in trying to register to test. After that came the, "oh, there is one more computer test you have to take on some obscure computer system that no one told you about". Did that, sent in the paperwork following their vauge instructions on the back. So I started this whole thing in February, and just yesterday I found out that I did not have 'transition module'! WTF!!!!!!!!! I took the transition module in february! Contacted the training provider, she told me "oops, had an email problem to the state after the class.... if they cannot find the roster, I may have to take the class over again in JUNE!" AAKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!! The entire time my pager is going off, and I have to sit on my hands! This whole system is enough to say "bugger off!" All I wanted to do was volunteer, and it has cost me >$500. and months of agony and frustration! No wonder why places cannot get people to volunteer!

I guess i am just wiped. Things that used to be no big deal seem like mountains. Things that I would just do without thinking twice now require me to analyze, and get family approval. Things just suck!

Individualism in our community

2009-03-18T13:35:00.003-04:00

So I live in a small community. Not really big by any means. As a bit of history, it was part of another town and then annexed from it. We have a total of maybe two blinking traffic lights, one elementary school, don't even have our own post office (share a zip with the town we split from). So you get my picture.

Well, what I find fascinating is it is a town full of individuals, people who want to stand in their homes on their property and care only about that. There seems to be a lacking in community. Where is the pride in community? The desire to have a strong community base? We have a little over 2,000 registered voters (out of a population of 6,000+) and in our last town meeting where a New England town votes on everything by verbal Aye and Nay methods, there was around 312 voters!

Overall it was an eye opening experience. The questions people had, the arguments that ensued were all fascinating from an observers standpoint. The Yankee mentality....

Some of my favorite from the night were:

Question on buying a new fire truck. 1) How many fires did we have last year? {UM, ok, does it matter if YOUR house is on fire?!?} 2) Well, if the fire truck is just 30 years old, and you say still passes inspection, then it ain't broke. So come ask us for a new one when the old one is broke.. {Again, slap head... If it is broke, what will put out your smouldering hillbilly shack?}

The pain was just excruciating! I am not one for high taxes nor for crazy spending to increase taxes, but sometimes you have to spend money! It is funny that no one questioned the 2.7 to 3% salary raise for the town workers! Shventa, I did not get a raise this year due to the economy!

But the best one so far is the hand painted sign... "Vote NO to the fire dept. They are building a GYM with are money".... are?!? really?

Driving through Jersey, land of the property tax, income tax, sales tax, I looked out the window and saw sprawling stone work fire departments, town halls that look like small estates, post offices spiraling high into the air. I read about new equipment, of parades, of parks, monuments, and schools with money.

So what works and what does not? I do not know....

Snow again!

2009-03-09T15:46:00.003-04:00

It is snowing yet again. March 9th, and snow. AAAKKK!

We were teased this weekend with weather in the 50's, and I even went outside and did some spring yard cleanup for a bit in a light coat! Left the parka inside! There were spots of grass showing through the snow! The sunlight was so bright yesterday! I wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep in the sun with my cats...

And today I woke up to another 3 to 6 inches! Enough!

NH does not keep snow totals for all areas, and so far I could only find info for Concord, which as of last week listed 84" of snow this season. I know we have had more than Concord, so a quick estimate is we are around 100" of snow!

Sigh.... All I can do is sit inside and dog-ear my seed and flower catalogues... someday....

Peake's Paw

2009-03-08T15:51:00.000-04:00

So my inlaws were up for the weekend, and they brought with them a token. A plaster cast taken by their vet's office of our Peake's paw. With his name on it, and a little bow.

What to say. I could not say anything when MIL handed me the little package... I had to open it, but I did not want to see it. Did not want to feel the pain of loss again.

But I did. I looked at those big honking paws and thougth of that sweet friendly guy who used to snore, drool and stand on you, all 25 lbs of him pressing into you in four little paws. Thinking of the day we went to the West Milford Animal Shelter in NJ and brought home "Tommy and Lucy" as they were named there. To become our Chessie and Peake. That was 1998, shortly after our wedding.

We miss him, and like the list of pets he will always be there, just around the corner.

Contimplations while on the road alone

2009-02-26T15:43:00.000-05:00

I have had a decent amount of time alone. something I do not have much of. Which has left me with time to think, to ponder items that would normally not even force their ways through the tangled complex web of my everyday life.

I thought about the paths I have taken in life, and the paths left unexplored. Where I have come from and where I am going. I have reflected on the fact that as a youth I always saw my whole life ahead of me, an open palate left to be painted. Now, I realize that half of that painting has been done, and the sketch for the rest there to be finished or scratched over.

I contemplated what I have done, did I do the things I thought I would? Have I accomplished what I had set out to do? This is a difficult analysis, as I have found my goals, my picture of the future has metamorphosed over time. Changing sometimes daily as my tumultuous life twisted on a rail that leads me where?

Where I am now, a mid-career level Biochemist. A wife of close to 11 years. A Mother of one dear child. An EMT. A homeowner. Living in a location that never entered into the realm of possibilities before.

Am I fulfilled? A difficult question. What is fulfillment? Have I ever been? I have been told „You are never happy“, „You are unsettled, restless, never pleased“. But is that true? do I not find happiness in daily life? I do stop to smell the proverbial roses as they say.

I guess it comes down to the fact that I am an „over achiever“, the typical „type A personality“. No, I never am satisfied that something is „complete“ or that it is perfect. I have found rarely an item, or event is perfect. Perfection is reserved for God alone, all else musters the best we can. I can see improvements in everything, in every one. There is always growth. Growth is not a negative, not a reason to say you are unhappy, but a stimulus, a stimulus to keep us ever evolving.

Have I done well evolving? Some times i think yes, others no. Some times like these past hours alone, unencumbered as wife, as mom, I have contemplated what „single“ me would have done. What things I saw myself doing as a child. In the military? On a space shuttle? In the OR dicing apart the human body? All those came to me as real possibilities for my life, for me to strive to evolve, always challenging roles, some that seem outright unreachable as a child.

So did I drive to my unreachable goals? Did I settle on a path least challenging? I sometimes wonder. I wonder where my life has taken me, where my soul, my mind, my body has ended up in this ever dynamic world.

Did I go it alone? No. Early in my life I found a mate, a person who I found would share my soul with. A comfort, a security that I needed. No matter how much of an individual I will always be, I need those ties, the feeling of „belonging“ of being needed, and needing. It is something I do not regret, even in the act of taking one path, some other paths around me were erased from the canvas of my life.

It is interesting to reflect on the fact that choices made, no matter how well planned they were, or how right they felt at the time will always fall under scrutiny as the years pass, as time puts a distance from what seemed like the right thing. But I must say overall, I am still agreeing with the decisions I have made. We will see how that fares as age, and time stretches on.

I feel that I have made a difference in the world, maybe not with a broad stroke that many will recognize me, or the contributions I have made. But that is ok, most people who make a difference in the world around them go unnoticed. Modest. I like that. It is the intimate changes that I make in peoples lives. That is what counts.

And I will have a legacy, a child that grows in my image daily. Her brilliant mind, her strong will, all things that will give her a foundation to take on the world around her and come out the other side. If there is one thing I can teach my only child, it is that the world is an ever changing environ, and you must be prepared, and ready to ride the world facing forward, taking on life’s challenges as they fly at you from any direction. To never let your guard down, because when you become complacent, when you find yourself in a secure routine, remember that this is fleeting and enjoy it.

My career, is this where I want to be? Some days, as I am teaching or sharing with others, and I see that spark of interest, or maybe the „moment of enlightenment“ as something finally makes sense, something fills in the gaps between what was known, and unknown. I like those days. Those days make me feel that I am making a difference, slight, but there. Days I am faced with a challenge that seems impossible, a task that others wave away, and I must make happen. Those are the days I complain, I curse, yet I also triumph. It is a chance to take on something that will force me to grow, force me to realize my weaknesses and take on a task that is make or break.

It is the routine that kills me, when life falls into the rut of monotonous non-challenge that my mind and soul question my choices. What has brought me to this middle class, middle life muddle? That is the moments when I need to shake up my life.

There are also days when I face the fact that even as I planned, my life still proved complex. That I have no control over a lot of my life. These are the days I curse the sky, shake my fist at the sun, the world around me, and ask the „WHY?“ just to already know the answer. There is no answer. There never will be. It just is.
I will never understand the human suffering. The things that people must endure while trying to make the most of their short existence on this world we share. We find ourselves for the most part removed from suffering in this day and age. We all have a tendency to grow old something that was a precious commodity for the majority of human history. Ugh, plane here… have to stop this rambling…

Madeline Learns Time

2009-02-26T13:02:00.002-05:00

Well, I came home from a four day business trip, and came to realize that madeline has learned time. As a baby, there is no consept of time. There is only now. Yesterday and Tomorrow are words without meaning.

She has developed that relationship. She knows that Saturday and Sunday there is no school, that Wednesday is Tumble Bus day. She will look at the clock and exclaim "I'ts six o'clock! Boy am I tired! Time for bed!". (Even though the clock usually reads 8:00, but she is trying). She has observed that diffrent events mark the passage of time.

So when she asked Monday night if Mommy would be home tomorrow and Daddy replied "no". For her it was an eternity.

It is amazing to watch the developmental process of children, as things you take for granted or never really questioned are examined, and incorporated into a new person's world. It is truly a blessing.

EMS update

2009-02-16T19:26:00.002-05:00

Well, I completed my EMT-B RTP (refresher training program) last weekend, all 24+ hours of it, and this weekend did my CPR for healthcare provider by AHA. Now I have to gear up for the state practical, on the 21st. After that, it is on to the National Registry test... (not looking forward to that).

I have been practicing my online tests, and if I just stop thinking about it and pick what my gut tells me, I seem to be doing ok. If I start thinking, i start picking the wrong answer.. That's me, analyze it to the point where no answer makes sense.

So, a lot to go, but seems that I might just be doing this again...

Off to watch Mother, Jugs, and Speed.. :)

Madeline Writes Her Name

2009-02-15T16:04:00.000-05:00

Well, Madeline wrote her name in school recently. It was really quite amazing to see. Here she is about 3 and a half, and proud to show mom her name!

So we practiced at home, and sure enough she wrote it all out (each letter was about 10 inches high!). But there it was M, A, D, E, L, I, N, E !!!!!!!

She then went on to try to write my name.

It is truly a blessing to watch as her Independence and desire to master the world around her evolves. She will tell me "I don't know that one" and I will draw it once. She then will yell "I know, I know! Let me do it now!" as she concentrates and then draws her own version, even making corrections till it looks like mine. When she gets frustrated she takes the crayon and scribbles furiously over the offending mark. It is so fun to watch her grow. I truly am blessed.

One step forward!

2009-02-15T11:58:00.000-05:00

Well I passed my NH EMT-B practical exam! PHEW! I was so stressed, it was beyond frustrating. Lets just say a few PVC's were had that day!

I first must say thank you to all the guys and gal who took time out of their day to help me on Wednesday the 18th at Brentwood Fire. I have not been given the OK that I am a member, but there was a whole gang there to help me practice for the test. It really meant a lot to me and reminded me of why I do EMS.

Because EMS is a family. That is why I do it. That is why I find myself drawn to EMS. Once you are part of the family, you will always be family. There is something about sharing a call with people who are complete strangers that brings people together. Something about having to trust with your life the guys around you. It is something that few ever have the privledge of being members of. I think that my draw to EMS is because I was drawn to the military. I never served, for one reason or another, but I serve my country, my community by doing EMS.

And I have been away too long. Soon. Soon.

EMS Again?!?

2009-01-27T11:13:00.001-05:00

Somehow, in this moment of gloom, I am filled with life....

I have started the process of getting my NH EMT license. WOOO HOOO!

I was worried that I would have to do the entire 130 hour course over, which would be not only a financial drain, but a time drain as well.

Turns out after a call to the EMS education office, all I have to do is take a weekend long refresher course with transition modules, and then take the practical exam, and the National Registry written exam. All by April.. YOU CAN DOO IT!

I am excited. I have missed EMS. It was such a part of me (see my web page for ems stuff).

Ok, well, have to get busy, drop my application off tonight at the town hall, get into a basic RTP course...

Yeay!!!

Again?

2009-01-23T13:21:00.002-05:00

Well, I did it. After putting it off, and not making the time, I went down to my local Fire/EMS service and picked up an application.

It was a fun morning. I met some nice people, and just walking through the bay rooms by the rigs was comforting. Weird I know, but for someone who lived on these things for five years, and have come to be part of my self identity, it is like comming home.

Granted the building is hodge podge, and I did not get to see much of the equipment, but the ambulances looked pretty new. I have to get over being the spoilt EMS service, where we had hydraulic stretchers, new fancy stair chairs, and a new rig every two years. Not every town has the industry base to donate to the EMS service. This town has about 1/4 the population density, and about 1/10th the industrial base. But, it is something.

So I picked up the appilcation, and filled it out. The only thing that might put things to a difficult light, my NJ state license expired in 2007, and it was not a national certification. So, I may have to take the EMT Basic 130 hour course all over again, followed by the practical exam, and the National Registry written exam. That would not be fun, but my own fault for not joining a squad as soon as I got up here. Honestly, what I was told when i first contacted the state was that I would need to take the course over anyways, due to my NJ certs not being the same as NH. The course would be a breeze after 5.5 years of active service on an ambulance, but it would be a big time drain, and costs over $600 out of pocket.

Well, who knows. I really would like to ride again, maybe, just maybe I will.

I am a hero to one!

2009-01-20T20:58:00.004-05:00

Well, I could really use a positive today, and my three year old DD gave me that.

She has become fixated on the fact that Mommy used to drive an ambulance. She asks me all the time about "what happened next" and I run through what happens from page to the trip back home. She loves it. asking every moment 'and then what happened".

So this week they announced to the preschool class that a Police officer was coming to school. And DD told the class "my mommy drives an ambulance". Of course that was followed up with them wanting to see. So She has been begging for pictures.

Today I found some pictures of my old North Brunswick First Aid and Rescue Squad pictures. Alpha 3, and Rescue 4. Pictures of me and Kasia in front of an Alpha by Farrington lake. Pictures of me sitting in the back of a new Rig.

I did not even get in the door before she was babbling, wanting to see "mommy's ambulance pictures". When I produced the pictures, she just about went nuts. She was bubbling and looking at all the pictures, repeating what I stated, and then pointing to them and telling me what they were.

And today, in the midst of what feels like another midlife crisis, loosing yet another pregnancy, my only child looked up at me with awe, with respect reserved for Spiderman and Firestar and told me "I'm so proud of Mommy, I want to drive an ambulance when I am old".

So there it is, for a fleeting moment, I was invincible. A hero. I think I will hold to that memory.

20Jan09 I just need a little change?

2009-01-20T15:59:00.003-05:00

Change anyone? So has anyone felt sweeping change taking over just past 12:00 noon?

Tick, tick, tick.... nope.... Nothing yet.

What change do I want? what change do I think Obama will deliver? To me? Not a whole hell of a lot.

First of all, I fall into middle class hell. Too rich for the handouts, too poor to know the tax loops so I can keep my money. What is to come for us? Relocation of the bit of material we have been able to aquire? Wonderful. I don't see us in the handout line, and sure as hell see us in the "take from them" line. And what do I have to take in comparison to the uber weathly?

So what change can he offer me? Maybe a 401K that is worth than the 1/10th of what I put into it! Maybe my monthly medical premiums not creeping up as they do each year. How about realizing that the cost of living wage increases are a joke, and that Inflation is real. {come on, who has been able to buy a pound of lunch meat for under $10.00!}.

Maybe someone who will tell the oil whores to go pack it?!? I doubt it. We will play victim to international polotics for years to come.

So how will things change? That I would love to know.... Bring it on Big O! Prove me to be wrong about you and your promise of change.

After all, everyone could use a little change

2008, not the best of years.

2009-01-05T13:16:00.000-05:00

So 2008 has ranked up there with the suckyest years ever. Started out the year by miscarriage #3 at the end of december 2007. Had miscarriage #4 in April. Lost my Matthew cat. Lost Peake cat. In November before the holildays, husband's contract position was terminated, leaving him unemployed. And rounded out the year by discovering pregnancy #6 was not viable. Wonderful.

Do I have enough hope left to think 2009 will bring good things or just continue the misery that 2008 inflicted? Jury is still out... check back next year. :)

NH Ice Storm

2008-12-20T13:22:00.000-05:00

Well, we had contemplated purchasing a portable generator since it seems that the power grid is always going out here and there, plus our house is wired with a transfer switch and an external plug.

But like most home projects, we put it on the back burner, right up there with new gutters, studding out the basement, fixing that sink drain that seems to always clog... oh and I could list so many more...

Well, was probably a bad idea. In early december an ice storm came thorugh depositing about 1/4 to 3/4 an inch of ice on everything. Trees snapping sounded like gunshot throughout the night. And due to the fact that NH has some really nice "scenic roadways" the trees are always right along the road, (ok, and those that are not protected as scenic are just in the sticks anyways, and most are dirt!) so the power lines snake in and out of tree branches.

We sat it out the first 24 hours, using our propane gas log set for heat. But after that, with no well for water or flushing toilets, nothing to cook on, and well 47F in the house, it was time to start thinking of other plans. Poor Madeline could not understand why we wanted her to keep her hat, jacket, and shoes on. All the things we tell her to take off when she gets home. She even went as far as to ask me to sit on the toilet first so to warm the seat for her!

Packed it up and headed out to family 6 hours away, could not find gas within 2 hours of our home due to power outages or gas shortages. We ended up spending four days as refugees, following the news on the internet and calling our neighbor.

Bought a generator and drove home with all the Ashplund tree crew bucket trucks heading east with us.

We were lucky, out of power for about 3-4 days, some around us went as long as a week and a half! So at least next time we have a generator.

Now we just have to put to the list of house projects connecting the right pigtail to the power cord.. LOL...

The birds are back in town

2008-12-02T16:32:00.002-05:00

I had been a bit neglectful of our backyard feeders, and let them dry out for a while. But on Sunday, I went out and filled up the suet and seed hoppers. I swear I heard one of the woodpeckers singing in the woods at the top of it's head.

Sure enough the first one to arrive was a downy woodpecker. Happy to check out the two new suet cakes. Shortly after that came the black capped chickadees and then the titmouse. I saw at least two pairs of cardinals. And sure enough out came the blue Jays and by the end of the day, the top was off the barn style feeder and one was standing inside it.

It was nice to stand at the kitchen window and see them all out there on a rainy foggy day. But it seems whenever I fill up the feeders, out comes the predators as well.

So this morning I woke up to a pile of white and grey feathers strewn around the back feeder. Sigh. I guess I must feed the hawks as well.

Rainy Days

2008-11-25T11:48:00.002-05:00

Rain Rain go away...

So here it is raining, while my parents have 13 inches of snow! I had to put a rain coat on Maddie for school! In NOVEMBER! AAK! I don't live in NJ anymore! Where is my snow?

And to add insult to injury, I read a stupid news article about how busy professional women choose cesareans! I wanted to gag, the actual reflex was so strong, I could not finish the article, especially the part where mr OB god states "c/s are perfectly safe, as long as you do not want more than two children" WHAT THE FREAKING FOO? Now we let OB's decide our family size? What kind of crap is that? How can you say it is safe, and wonderful and you will be just peachy after major surgery, and then say "well, actually, you are permanently damaged, and will be considered a ticking time bomb, and we will suggest surgical sterilization at the time of your repeat cesarean to prevent you from becoming a danger to yourself, your family, and my medical practice" WTFIGOH!

Why? Why do women put themselves in the hands of these people? Why are we so short sighted that we do not look past today? Sure maybe today is not a big deal, but what about tomorrow? Do you really want to allow some OB to decide how many children you can have? What happens if you want more later, but did not when you penciled your cesarean into your datebook?

I am just sick of the double message, "Cesareans are Safe, and you are considered Healthy afterwards" and then the next "VBAC's are dangerous, multiple cesareans are dangerous, after all you have a scarred uterus".

Sigh, makes me want to go put a heating pad on my Voldermort, put my feet up and say "I am getting off this train! Oh, and who said being committed to an insane asylum is that bad?"

The Scar

2008-11-21T11:27:00.004-05:00

Somedays it feels like I live in an Edgar Allen Poe world. "NEVERMORE"

Days when Voldermort (my name for that damn scar I carry) decides to give me a zing, just to say "hey, I am still here!!! HA HA HA HA HA! Remember ME, I NEVER GO AWAY!" Sigh...

Thanks, Thanks a lot.

Days when I wish I could actually wear bikini underwear without the waist band landing right on Voldermort, and pissing him off into a rage.

Days when my granny panties roll down in a meeting and thus inevitebly piss Voldermort off, besides my best actions at silencing him I sit there suffering.

Him, why do I call my scar a HIM? I don't know, Froydian maybe?

Maybe because he that gaveth to me was a man?
The OB man that told me
"If you were my wife you would have a ..."
Oh how I longed to put the real words there instead of cesarean....
........Bladder that does not work quite right
........Numbness that never goes away, heck I probably could set it on fire!
........Weird pain forever just because, because, because
........Ugyl bikini cut 6" scar. Yeah, you CAN wear a bikini without showing your scar, (but it will be uncomfortable as hell ha ha ha)
........Scarred damaged uterus
.......Limit to the number of children you want, if you are dumb enough to have another child, we will treat you as a uterine time bomb!
......A nice pre-baby vajayjay, but the rest of your innards are so f-ed up from adhesions, you will not even think about sex again
......Apathetic people surround you. People could care less that you were just split in two, put together like a dumpling, and might not be happy about it, Smile! People will label you a wack job... Smile...
......Lobotomy. Your emotions, your life, your body mean nothing, you are just a vessel for the more important good, a child, who has more rights than you
..... An ASS HOLE for a husband!

Damn, I hate Voldermort!

Loss

2008-11-17T16:13:00.004-05:00

Our cat Peake passed. We recieved a call that he was on his way to a routine vet visit while living with Nana and Grandpa Buster when it was noticed he was unresponsive in his cat carrier. He was already at the vets office and they tried to revive him but failed. Cause of death, heart failure.

Peake, our big-boy cat. He was always big, from the time we adopted Chessie and Peake in 1999, Peake was the big hearted, fluffy tummy boy. He took a liking to my husband and was known for stretching out on him every opportunity he had. Even when we had him on diet food, he tipped the scales at around 25 lbs. His sister not too far behind at around 18 lbs. He was only 9 years old.

He will be missed.

A Bed

2008-11-16T09:05:00.003-05:00

Well, we did it. Finally. Madeline has a toddler bed, one of those conversion from crib to toddler. Well lets face it, the mattress is for SIDS prevention, not a good night sleep! It is like this rubber coated board! In addition, she is quite a roller, her usual sleep position consists of her feet in my belly, and head in dads belly. So in her bed, she would roll into the crib walls and wake up.

When we asked her about getting a big bed, her response was popcorn jumping and exclaiming she wanted lots and lots of sheets and blankets like mommy's bed!

Thus we went out and stimulated the economy, one purchase at a time! It was a rainy day here, and the cloud cover was so thick, it looked like dusk from 8:00am on. So headed out through the fog, and rain to one of the only local furniture places.

Madeline, of course was three, took her shoes off and had to jump on all the beds, much to my frustration and husbands challenge of trying to corral this bounding three year old. In the end, we picked out a Twin, however the sales woman told me that EEEVRYONE buys a full for their kids now. "Um, thats nice, but I plan on only stimulating the economy with a small amount, not an extra $200!".

But the place was busy, people kept on coming in, and the funny part is they were not looking at sofas, dinning room sets, but beds. The sales guy with a grin and a touch of exhaustion looks at our sales clerk and comments "holy cow, I have not been this busy in forever!"

So her big girl bed will be here on tuesday. We went to target and picked up dora, princess, and other girly bedding, although husband and Maddie tried convincing me she needed Spiderman sheets. Pink and purple will have to do!

One more minute way my baby is not quite a baby anymore.

Change

2008-11-06T14:33:00.003-05:00

Change,

Everyone wants Change. What is change? Is it not today? Is it tomorrow? Things sure have changed since yesterday. What a vauge amorphic thought. Change.

So will my life change because the elections are over? (Thank god, thought those people would never stop calling me pitching their "guy" every night during dinner)

Well, Life went on, work went on, nothing big and earth shattering has happened, (besides my husband being let go at work, but to be fair, that was decided before November 4th).

So what change can I expect? What is there that this presedent will make my life and living situation so much better? I can't see it. But honestly I did not see a much of an improvement with the other guy.

What do we want for change? What do I expect to change? Humm, maybe not paying 22% on 100% market value assesment on my house for property taxes would be nice. Will that happen? You-betcha-your-tookass, don't see that in the change forcast! Will I pay less federal taxes? Uhm, please, don't see that happening either!

What will change? Inflation will continue, price for goods will continue to rise their ever creeping rate, slowly making that measily rase I got this year nothing more than a lunch subsidy. My house value will continue to crash, my 401K will continue to loose money (about 1/3 the value it was a year ago!). That is the change I can count on. Gee, I am feeling just peachy about change.

At Least..

2008-11-05T18:07:00.001-05:00

A picture I love:

Acupuncture? Me?

2008-11-04T15:43:00.001-05:00

Thought I would post about my recent foray into the world of TCM (or Traditional Chinese Medicine for those of you who are not up on it).

So here I am dealing with sub-fertility and recurrent miscarriages. (Jee, who knew that is what I would be living with... but that is a grumble for another day)

Been to see specialists of all kinds, have had all the testing known to man done (and then some experimental, or might be, maybe related in some obscure way tests). And the answer.... Drumroll here for modern science and medicine......... The big old ? Yes, there is nothing clinically wrong with me, yet I am a habitual aborter!?! WTFIRWT? If there was nothing wrong with me, I would be in happy land, with three children, a dog, a pear tree, who the hell knows, but NOT sitting across from you in this overly expensive office after just having who knows what stuffed up a place no one should go!

So what have I turned to? TCM. Call me crazy, I don't know. Maybe a pinch of desperation as time keeps marching forward, each month getting older, because you know I am just a ticking egg-ubator, roasting what I have left, exposing them to the world of toxins and bad American health each and every day!

I know, there was a time where my fear of needles and procedures had me nauseous and trying to book the next flight to some distant land. But I guess walking in, lying down, and being fillet awake, being stuffed back together like a dumpling, stapled, and sent on my merry way (oh by the way, here is a screaming, helpless infant to care for in your post surgical bliss) things changed. I survived that, and well, quite honestly my body will never be the same, so at this point, it is all down hill in self preservation land.

So now once a week I go in, take my shoes off, and lie down in the dim light on a nice toasty bed. Close my eyes and leave everything behind. My Acu guy is great. He comes in asks me how I feel (what? A health care provider who actually wants to know your symptoms?) and if you have felt better or worse since last time. Then I lie there and have needles poked into various places, including one between my eyebrows.

And ya know what, after about four visits I promptly fell asleep as my Chi decided to rewire itself. It was amazing. So will I know if it is working in the fertility area? Not yet. But overall, I sleep better, have less aches and pains, and my desire to eat anything not nailed down has decreased.

So, who knows. All I have is hope, and when that fails, I have the placebo effect!

Fall

2008-11-01T15:35:00.001-04:00

Another beautiful fall day today. Working around the yard, cutting down this years flowers. Cleansing, like sweeping up the old, in anticipation of what next spring will bring. It is that time of year where the plant catalogs come and I sit by the fire dreaming of exotic plants, new shrubs and dog-earing the pages. The gardens are a sleeping state, waiting for the sun to warm them once more, the cool rains of spring.

I feel like that too. A calm moment with the future blown wide open. What is next? Who knows.

Halloween

2008-10-31T14:26:00.002-04:00

Halloween.

Never really been a fan of it. Guess growing up in CNY, where your choices were limited to what would fit over your snow suit had a bit to do with that.

And since that time, things have made Halloween even more dreadful for me.

It has now been five years since I lost my first pregnancy on Halloween. Trick or Treat huh. Has time mellowed the pain? Sort of. Has the fact that I now have one child helped? A little, but nothing will erase the memories, the pain, the loss that runs so deep. There is forever a void, some days the void is the size of postage stamp and can be easliy overlooked in my hectic life, other days it is a chasim, threatening to swallow and chew me up alive.

I cling to a wonderful idea I heard somewhere by women who have suffered the same fate as I. It goes like this:

"A woman has all the children she will ever have surrounding her as angels circling above. When a woman becomes pregnant, one comes to earth. If a loss happens that little angel goes back up into the holding pattern. When she becomes pregnant again, the other little angels let the one who was not quite cut ahead and try again."

I like that.

Again

2008-10-06T14:44:00.000-04:00

Yet again,

DH and I allowed ourselves to be hopefull. Yet again we thought "this might be it". Yet again, it was not it.

Sad, worried, confused. What happened this time? Why not this time? What did we do wrong?

Did I pull the wings off of flies as a child? Did I tear down birds nests? Did I step on ants? What has caused me to bring upon myself and my family such heartbreak?

Don't know where to turn. Don't know what is next.

The NH lifestyle

2008-07-06T15:11:00.000-04:00

I joke that 99% of people who live in NH fit the following profile:

Drive a truck,

Have a dog,

Own a boat

Well, we are two closer to being a true Granite Stater...

Introducing Sallie. We rescued her from Homeward Bound. A rescue group that brings dogs from kill shelters in Missisippi up north. She was days away from being put down. Here is to hoping Sallie becomes a great member of our family.

2008-04-30T16:19:00.002-04:00

Haz-Matt Mason,

Sigh, more loss, more pain. Haz-Matt, or fondly called Matthew, passed traumatically in the night. He was only four years old.

We awoke to a horrible painful meow, to find him lying on the floor next to our bed, unable to move his back legs. I started to check him out and DH started making frantic phone calls to 24 hour vet hospitals in the area. Our poor Madeline crying and not understanding what was happening at 2:00am, and why mommy was so upset.

We fortunately live three minutes from a 24 hour surgical hospital, and rushed him there. After just a fiew moments, we learned that he had a heart problem and had thrown multiple clots, one to his legs, and one to his lung. Nothing we could do. I held him and stroked him as we said goodby. It ranks up there with the most painful emotional things I have ever done.

Haz-Matt was special to me, my rambuncious boy. Always looking for love, and causing trouble. He came into my life when life was falling apart around me. As I lost my first pregnancy, Matt showed up, all 4 weeks old, and suffering. He was a stray kitten who had downed enough rat poison to turn him blue! Somehow he survived after tons of vitamin K shots, and lots of love. He was always with me, sleeping with me, and never left my side. When madeline was born, he would be there, right next to her, looking after her ever chance he got. Seems like in the early days, any picture of her would have him in it. Matthew was Madelines first recognizable word.

When Maddie and I packed up to move to NH, Matt came with us ahead of my DH, and the rest of our furry family. He was there for me, to greet me every night.

When we were flooded out of our apartment, he spent days in the Hampton Inn with us, and left in a pillowcase! Boy did the receptionist not know what to say to the squirming pillow case as i told her to bill it to our room!

Sigh, life is lonely without you my guy. Always in our hearts.

Blame and Accountability (written originally september 2006)

2008-03-12T16:43:00.003-04:00

Blame and Accountability.

Are they polar opposites? Or do they swing an intricate dance around each other? Can you only have one and not the other? Does one negate the other? If you use blame, then are you not accountable? Or can you be accountable and still have blame?

This random thought pattern occurred to me as I tried to sleep last nights, a fall cold wracking my body with coughs that have sent my muscles into spasms.

The context that I was thinking was a comment that “Women should be accountable for their cesareans, not blaming Dr’s, nurses, etc. That women have walked out, etc..” And it angered me.

And then I thought about this… Can there not be blame and accountability at the same time? And also I think this is a harsh line to walk.. It was not too long ago that a woman was held accountable for being raped… That blaming the attacker was wrong…

And then I thought about the similarities between rape and coerced surgery.
Both “attackers” have blinders on, both are looking out for themselves and what they want, irrelevant of the other party. An attacker wants sexual gratification, domination. A coerced cesarean provider wants control, limit of their liability. Both of these two individuals act on motives that are swayed to their desires, ignoring the desires of the victim.

A woman who was coerced into a cesarean is told lots of postmortem comments. Like “you could have found another OB”, “you could have walked in pushing”, “you could have refused” etc…”you were weak, you were ignorant”

A woman who was raped was told “you were asking for it, in your dress and behavior”, “what do you expect you were in the wrong place, wrong friends, etc”. “you could have fought harder, why didn’t you?” “your actions made you weak, vulnerable, a target”. “you should have known better than to be there, or with them”

So does this take the blame off of the attacker? The OB? Both who were the dominant party in the situation? And on this note, yes, in society it is noted that “men have more control, more power, more respect” “Dr’s are more intelligent, have the answers, are altruistic, {do no harm}, have your best interest in mind”. Can we say that this is 100% correct? No, there are exemptions. Are all men rapists? (and a woman can also be a rapist), Are all OB’s self centered, uncaring, control freaks?

Does the victim already blame themselves? Hold themselves painfully accountable for the events of that day? The time leading up to it? I think you will be hard pressed to find one that does not have guilt, remorse, over the decisions made.

So that leads me to this? Can you wrap blame and accountability up into responsibility? Who was responsible for those events that occurred? Obviously BOTH parties. Rape takes two, and well surgery takes many…

Is it wrong then to lay blame on others? OB’s, husbands, family, friends, strangers? Does by saying you blame them mean you are not accountable? Or can it be a mix of both? Were they not a factor, did they not contribute to the end result?

Can the victim then not express anger, hostility towards the other participant? Is that wrong? Are they to ignore that, to not blame anyone else and take the burden of responsibility solely onto themselves? To allow the other party to not be responsible for their actions?

Yet that is what we have done. We have legalized the coherced cesarean and placed the blame on ourselves, ignorant weak women. That it is ok in society for the all knowing, in control OB to “have done everything in his power that he could do”, irrelevant to the woman’s desires.

People always say you have options, choices.. But is this true? Is life like the endless possibilities of multiple outcomes? Are there not physical restraints placed upon us? Here are some examples… When people state… well you could have….

Find another OB… Alright, let’s look at this.. Is there an unlimited supply of OB’s to choose from in all areas? Can you just pick up the phone and talk directly to an OB? Ask them the questions to rule out their intentions? Finances are a question.. Not all OB’s may be covered by insurance.. So then should you go into debt, loose money (that maybe you physically just do not even have?)to find one? Drive endless miles to another area?

Have a home birth (or possibly unassisted) birth.. Let’s face it, for all this is NOT a wise idea for everyone. Yes it is an option, yes it can turn out well. And honestly I have nothing against this personally (and I am planning one in the future for myself), but there are some risks that make this an expensive gamble. OB’s and hospitals to exist for a reason. For example, If a woman may have a blood clotting (bleeding) disorder. This can make a home birth much more risky. So is this person not limited in their choices? Can we look at this woman and say “nahhh, the risk is not there, or it is soooo minimal”. Some may be ok with that, some may agree. Others may be afraid. Others may look for guidance and assistance. Does this make them fair game then for an unnecessary cesarean and then all the blame accountability crap aftwerwards? But we expect this woman with a limitation to be stronger, to face adversary, to take the gamble.

So this then leads me to conclude, time, location, finances, culture, family, physical health, etc are all real restraints placed upon us. Are some people in a better position to have less restraints upon them? Yes! While others have more restraints. Yet we paint the broad brush of “well you could have”. Could they?!? Is it right to say to everyone they could have?

So if the person holds a gun to the woman’s head, and threatens her, and no one is there to defend her. Should she have done a judo chop, kicked the gun away and ran? Is there not debilitating fear playing a role? what if she was physically incapable of overpowering her attacker? What is the difference between a physical gun and perceived threat, a ‘dead baby card’. So do we say to the woman who submitted to the gun, “well, you were weak”. Yet we say to a person who had the dead baby card shoved in their face multiple times “you should have been stronger, known better, whipped out all the statistics and medical facts”. That is just about as realistic as saying to the woman she should have pulled out HER gun on the attacker. Yes, some may carry a gun, and yes, some may be able to battle wits with an OB, but do we expect this of all? Yes unfortunately we do.

Let’s face it, this is what we are demanding of ourselves. To overpower all opposition, to steamroll through medicine, family, finances, miles… Some of us may be able to do this… and some not…

Ok, I am done having deep thoughts now… I hope you had a chance to look and think about these ponderings, and maybe looked and pondered on your own.

A long time...

2008-02-09T20:12:00.000-05:00

Well it has been a while. That is for sure. The snow has fallen, the holidays came and went, and we are still here.. :)

The house is wonderful. But just like with our last home, it seems that weekends are marred by chores again. I need to just let go of the OCD clean queen stuff and say "hey a couple of dust bunnies won't kill me"....

I have a new boss, officially now. Don't know what to think of that. I guess only time will tell.

But the real thing on my mind is dealing with a holiday miscarriage, and now seems like we just can't get a baby to stick... Poor Maddie is going nuts about wanting babies, and it just makes the whole thing so much worse.

And now, the board that sets the rules for certified nurse midwives want's to make it against the rules for a HBAC, or a VBAC at a birth center. So in a time when the VBAC rate has plummeted, one more option is being taken away. I see all these ads for Portsmouth Hospital's "womens pavilion" and I want to barf! I am excluded from that. They do not "do" VBACS. Neither does Exeter, York, Wentworth Douglas. So the two options are Manchester, or Boston. Oh, yeah, the third option, just let them cut me open again for no good reason besides I am an insurance risk.

Gag. No one cares. In the age of celebrity cesareans, patient demand cesareans and lawsuit happy hell, no one wants to touch this. SO I am left throwing snowballs into the pits of medical hell, and well, it seems like it does not make one bit of difference.

Bugger.

It's ok....

2007-06-17T21:45:00.001-04:00

Just a random thought pattern...

If you tell someone you want to run a marathon, what is the first thing they say?

Is it common for the first thing people to tell you is to not be disappointed if you do not finish? That just the act of starting the marathon is what counts?

Why must we set the seed of self doubt and say that it is ok to fail at attempting what one wants instead of just saying GO FOR IT? Pretty sure when the person decided to run the marathon, they knew what they were up against....

Just some thoughts on a too hot night...

Preview of our new house

2007-06-13T16:53:00.000-04:00

Here it is, the first picture I have... July 30th can't come soon enough!

The child in me...

2007-06-13T16:51:00.001-04:00

Sporting rugburn on my knee today... I am way too old to have children.

So in pants, it rubs. If I wear a skirt, I have to explain.... Sigh... a no-win situation...

New House

2007-06-11T16:34:00.000-04:00

We did it. We did it. We did it horray! {emagine Dora dance here}

We found a great house, jumped in took a chance. And after one night of apprehension after the owner countered our offer.. it works out in the end. So we are under contract!!!! Still have a long way to go, but closing is scheduled for July 30th!

It's all in the way you look at it.

2007-06-05T17:00:00.000-04:00

I was just reading more on the puke forum (OBGYN.net). And I thought of something.

Why do the not use the correct terminology? Here is my logic.

Woman goes to hospital, labor no where ready to go (either scheduled induction or someone who jumps at the first couple of contractions) but the clock is started, the OB's start the induction pathway... Pit, AROM, more PIT, etc...

And then the "labor stalls"

Here is the part that kills me. This is labeled failure to progress. But is it really? Should it not be labeled what it really is? Failure to induce to delivery?

The OB's make us feel like it is our bodies that fail us.. Yet you can turn that around and say it is their intervention that failed to work. THEY FAILED! I can just see the "no, not me, not Dr. GOD. Oh no, I did everything by the book"

Just my grumbling on how it is all how you look at it. Did my body fail, or did Medicine fail?

A comment I like...

2007-06-04T19:48:00.001-04:00

It does not take a majority to prevail, but rather an irate, tireless
minority, keen on setting brushfires of freedom in the minds of men.
-Samuel Adams

Nine Years

2007-05-30T12:15:00.000-04:00

Well,

Today is our anniversary. Nine years married. Time for a quick reflection...

September 1995. University. Met at a floor party. September 23rd, first official Date.
Some wonderful University memories: Gracies. Silver Springs. Guelph Ontario. Twin/long beds. Nick Tahoe's. Rob's missing wallet (part five). Little red car.

December 23rd, 1996. Engagement at Letchworth State Park, under the Northfolk Southern "southern tier" railroad trestle.

May 30th, 1998. Married in Upstate NY. A great sunny day. Traveling the east coast for our honeymoon. AutoTrain

1997-2000, North NJ, mountainpov estates. WLVP, NYC trips, camping at highpoint, 4th of July with friends. 1000 Islands.

2000-2006, Central NJ. North village Apts, Our first house 2002. EMS, Kung-Fu. Panera Bread, Barnes & Noble. San Diego, Miami,

2003 October, 1st Angel baby, June 2004, Angel Baby 2. October 2004 Angel Baby 3, July 2005 Madeline Lael Arrives!

2006 Move to the "live free or die" state! Spend five months as a single mom, seeing Rob every other weekend till our house sells in NJ.

2007 Flooded out of our apartment, looking for a house.

Well, a quick synopsis.. Just a little snapshot of the years that have flown by. Amazing.

A great quote

2007-05-29T15:06:00.001-04:00

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear isthat we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness,that most frightens us. We ask ourselves "who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You area child of the Universe. Your playing small doesn't serve the world.There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won'tfeel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do...we were born to make manifest the Universe that is within us. And as welet our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission todo the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presenceautomatically liberates others.~Marianne Williamson

Hunting the Elusive "perfect house"

2007-05-28T18:48:00.000-04:00

Well, yet another weekend was spent, map in hand, internet printout attached to dashboard, roaming Rockingham county looking for that elusive perfect home.

Many long hours, cold coffee, and miles on my truck have been undertaken, yet we remain homeless.

Our latest search with about five "potentials" and each one was more disappointing than the previous. Corner lot, smallest house in the neighborhood, power lines right across the back. Not to forget the no trees, no backyard, no garage issues. Each one had that perfect sucker picture online, taken from just the right angle, when the sun was perfect, using the most distorting lens the photographer had available.

Back to our little hot apartment. To watch the adults throw a friggin football feet from my truck in the parking lot. the temperature reaching all time highs, the sun flaring in the windows.

I need a house, I need some land. Some peace, privacy, cool air. I am going crazy.

Not trying but...

2007-05-28T18:44:00.000-04:00

Well, I POAS. And it was a BFN... Oh well. Not really trying, but in a way it would have been nice. Guess this just lets us concentrate on the issue at hand... Not being homeless..

Meanie Greenie Peeps

2007-05-25T21:49:00.000-04:00

I wanted to feel something. I did. I wanted to feel pitty, I donoo, anger maybe? But nothing...

Some people talking about the intolerance of children. Children not allowing the other to play. The reactions by most was "so sorry" "little benoches" etc...

But I had no feeling of the child being slighted. Nope. Not even surprise. Why? Because if you ask me our society is just going down that path. More than ever. Sad. Everyone thought cliques were a high school thing, and died with graduation.

No. sadly they start much earlier. Children at the park taking cues from those around them. Who to say hi to. Who to sneer at.

I wonder if this plays a role in the oh so many acts of school violence that now tears our society apart. Is it because guns are easier to get? There is a higher percentage of demented (loony, psycho, whatever you want to use to label them) children than in generations past? Is it because of our "violent" tv? Maybe it is just our children becoming super critical at such a young age. Forcing people to the fringe. Maybe it is us parents, wanting our child to be part of a group, to be accepted, when in all honesty, they probably will not be accepted.

The idea of "I can't protect them" comes up. But for me I do not want to protect my child. Odds are that she will encounter this, hell I have dealt with it all my life, and do not see it ending anytime soon. I don't want her shielded, I want her prepared, ready to face adversity.

I want my child to learn she can stand strong, alone if need be. I want her to learn to have a world view all her own and not be afraid to say, "go pound salt". I don't want her to have to gain acceptance of the group by being quiet, or agreeing to things that are not what she agrees to, even if they are the popular opinion. I do not want her to feel she needs to take people's crap to fit in. To socialize.

I want her to see that she will find close friends, love, and companionship, without having to be part of a collective. Fitting in is hard to do, so why bother, fit in your own life, your own skin, that is how to get through life.

The price of rural living...

2007-05-25T13:35:00.000-04:00

Well, one thing I have notices about living in the rural setting...

Animals are downright nuts in the spring. WTF?

After we had to evacuate our apartment on the river, (which was the first time I actually watched animals flee the area, they do leave before disasters, and that should have been my clue to get my azz to higher ground... spent too much time in the city...) I moshed a squirrel.

Now although I have been driving for many years, this was the first animal (oh humans don't count... :) that I moshed. I was so shaken up, I stopped and shoveled the little floppy body to the side of the road with a dustpan from the back of my truck.

Well this week, I had a bird fly into the side of my truck while going along the Great Bay. Maddie was shocked to see a puff of feathers on the side as it kamikazes our truck.

Then this morning, one more dived the grill of my truck, and just three miles later, I ducked as one came right at my windshield... What is going on!!!

Carrie, the mosher of wildlife... Watch out...

Contemplations,

2007-05-25T13:17:00.000-04:00

So I went to pick up my baby girl from daycare, and waiting for me was a "incident" report.

The teacher was there to explain to me what happened, and as she half laughed, half sounded apologetic.

It seems that a classmate of maddie was playing with a wood board puzzle. She was banging the pieces together and just playing with it. Well Maddie loves puzzles, and is really good at them. We have one of the alphabet with the letters all of 2" tall, and she can complete the entire alphabet herself. She had taken the puzzle piece from the other child and put it in the puzzle. The child screamed. Teacher gave back to other child. Maddie then proceeded to do this again, with the Teacher enforcing the share, and play nice lesson. Well the third time Maddie grabbed the puzzle from the child who "was not doing it right" and wonked her with it.

The teacher was laughing, because it was so "you are NOT doing it right" behavior and not meant to be mean or selfish, but to show the other kid, who was not getting it how to do it. Maddie was frustrated that the other kid did not get it.

Wow.... at 21 months, my child shows this behavior. Now I had to try to explain to a 21 month old that "not everyone will play the same way as you". "not everyone will do it the same way as you".

To my child, it was black and white. A puzzle was for putting the pieces in, not banging them together. And she was determined to make that point. Could you bang them, chew them, other things that are not the original intent the maker intended for the puzzle? Yes. But why would you when you were supposed to put the puzzle together? Why would you do anything else with it?

I just had to laugh. Seems that my child's "play" parodies my own life in so many ways. I must explain to her, that if a person chooses to use the puzzle in ways not intended, that is their choice.

Just Cut.

2007-05-24T13:25:00.001-04:00

This is a response to a thread on an interesting forum. A forum of OB's from around the world who sit around and share "war stories" or ask for opinions from eachother.

So this is what riled my hair today...

This first part is from one OB asking about a case, and what her esteemed peers would do:

I have a good one for y'all to ponder. 23 y.o. primigravida, currently> >at 34 weeks gestational age with twins. Currently weighs 399. EFW at> >31 weeks on both twins was 5 pounds. Cephalic/cephalic presentation.> >During a visit to L&D for false labor, monitoring was essentially> >impossible.> >> >Route of delivery?

So here is one OB, telling the list that she has a 400lb woman with twins, what should she do... (ok, and here is my thing? She do? Do what? Why does she get to choose this person's route of birth? When birth is not even going to happen right now?)

And a response from another esteemed OB:

I would rec. C/S at 36 weeks. If not you will end up doing her at 3 in the morning after a 34 hour labor wit 28 hours of ruptured membranes and get out 2 sick kids. Again, IMHO. This old dog learned one new trick over the years, Vaginal Bypass before labor is the answer. I doesn't matter what the question is. (TIC, at least a little bit)

Alright. So lets look at this....

C/S at 36 weeks: Why? Does she have pre-e? The babies will not even be considered term then!

Doing her at 3 in the morning: Is this implied to prophylactic cut during 9-5 just in case it might be a late night?

After a..... get out 2 sick kids: Can you say ASSUMPTIONS? How does this one man know how this woman's labor will go? Do they hand out crystal balls in med school these days? He has not a single bit of data on this woman, her heath or anything besides her weight. And what grantees that the kids will be sick?

34 hour labor: NOT that uncommon in first time births!

28 hours of ruptured membranes: Why? Are you implying to artificially rupture the membranes? Or assuming that they will rupture on their own.. based on what?

Vaginal bypass: Great term is it not. Is the vagina broken? Does she need permission to use this part of her body?

It does not matter what the question is: ? Too short? cut Too tall? cut Fat? cut Old? cut Too many babies? cut.

Sigh.... This is not the only time I have seen such callous attitudes that if you ask me represent a decent proportion of our obstetrical community. This one person is using his "professional opinion" not based one bit on any hard data about this woman to decide her fate for her.

So when people ask me about my bandwagon. About my cause.... Read the above, you tell me, Why? What is wrong with this woman besides two things that are not even rare, obese and twins.

If you are so interested in such wonderful wisdom of how our bodies are incapable of birth, wonder on over to the board of Gods and Surgeons at OBGYN.net.

Why I have a "bandwagon"

2007-05-24T12:56:00.000-04:00

Sigh.

I was recently informed I have a bandwagon, a soapbox... And I started thinking about this. Ya know, what is wrong with having a platform?

What is part of my platform? Well, I use a word climate to describe a whole host of factors that contribute to one physical event. Birth.

Sex, Pregnancy, and Birth all happen. On the pure scientific level, procreation, continuation of the species. A biological process. A physical chain of events that occur in mammalian animals driven by hormones, etc.

Procreation happens, all mammals reproduce. And I guess enter here my ~evil agenda, twisted view, etc~... All mammals have the inate, physical ability to reproduce unassisted. there I said it. Rabbits do it, cats do it, cows do it, even if you believe it, our closest relative, primates birth without assistance. Yet humans are the ONLY mamal that cannot procreate without assistance? Most people will bluster "perposterous, what are you talking about, we don't need assistance!". Do we?

Alright. Then why do we use assitance (MW, OB, Hosptial, etc)? Now the popular response would be multi facited... 1) We have the technology to make it safer. 2) We have the technology so women can be saved from the pains of labor. 3) We need help in case something goes wrong!

Ok.. I can see that, I can see the logic to that. But what I cannot see is that our society has completely embrased the technical form of Birth and shunned other options. That if you were to ask a woman on the street if they "needed a Dr., a hospital to birth a baby" the answer would be yes. Why?

Sort of off on the side, but the mind wanders you know... One fellow listmember once wrote, that if we feel birth is so inherently dangerous that we must do it in a hospital, is it a leap to next mandate the beginning of the process "intercourse" to also be done in the hospital? Jokingly staing that something might go wrong, all those sperms may be lost, there may be a physical injury during the act.

Is it a "feel good" need? To feel that I have surrounded myself with everything, (including the machine that goes ping) and so now if something goes astray, I will be saved....

I just do not know... Somehow we arrived at this point. Now what?

Oh my....

2007-05-24T10:55:00.000-04:00

Had another, OMG WTF moment... Seems that there have been a lot of those lately in my life...

Picking Madeline up from school, and she was playing with a doll. Of course, like all dolls that end up in childrens hands, it was in a state of nakedness. I talked her into "letting baby doll go night night" so we could go home. Maddie is 21 months old.

She threw the doll down onto the pile of doll clothes and other naked dolls. And it landed face up. I paused.... the doll has quite a strikingly detailed set of male genetalia. Not just the "ambiguous bump" but a lot of detail, too much detail.

After the uncomfortable pause, I continued to get our stuff together and went home.. The entire time thinking WTF?

What purpouse would having a completely accurate, down to scale features of genetalia in a early childhood public classroom serve? Not to mention that this is a "christian academy".

That night husband and I laughed at first, and then really could not understand this. I feel that as a society we have set our comfort levels to one that requires being clothed, and not exposing oneself in public. So why have the opportunity for naked dolls with striking detail?

I followed this up witht he school director, and what an uncomfortable talk that was. I was blushing like a child... I was told that the school had purchased the "incredibly detailed ethinc dolls years ago to expose children to diffrent body images, African, Asian, etc.". And that no other parent has ever even commented. I guess I am old fashion. I was told that they do not let the three year olds play with them because "they start to question, since they start to pick up the inhibitions and views we impose on them". Again another WTF? Does our society we live in not expect us to be clothed in public situations?

Interesting...

Blame and Accountability

2007-05-22T15:33:00.000-04:00

Blame and Accountability

Are they polar opposites? Or do they swing an intricate dance around each other? Can you only have one and not the other? Does one negate the other? If you use blame, then are you not accountable? Or can you be accountable and still have blame?

This random thought pattern occurred to me as I tried to sleep last nights, a fall cold wracking my body with coughs that have sent my muscles into spasms.

The context that I was thinking was a comment that “Women should be accountable for their cesareans, not blaming Dr’s, nurses, etc. That women have walked out, etc..” And it angered me.

And then I thought about this… Can there not be blame and accountability at the same time? And also I think this is a harsh line to walk.. It was not too long ago that a woman was held accountable for being raped… That blaming the attacker was wrong…

And then I thought about the similarities between rape and coerced surgery.
Both “attackers” have blinders on, both are looking out for themselves and what they want, irrelevant of the other party. An attacker wants sexual gratification, domination. A coerced cesarean provider wants domination, control, limit of their liability. Both of these two individuals act on motives that are swayed to their desires, ignoring the desires of the victim.

A woman who was coerced into a cesarean is told lots of postmortem comments. Like “you could have found another OB”, “you could have walked in pushing”, “you could have refused” etc…”you were weak, you were ignorant”

A woman who was raped was told “you were asking for it, in your dress and behavior”, “what do you expect you were in the wrong place, wrong friends, etc”. “you could have fought harder, why didn’t you?” “your actions made you weak, vulnerable, a target”. “you should have known better than to be there, or with them”

So does this take the blame off of the attacker? The OB? Both who were the dominant party in the situation? And on this note, yes, in society it is noted that “men have more control, more power, more respect” “Dr’s are more intelligent, have the answers, are altruistic, {do no harm}, have your best interest in mind”. Can we say that this is 100% correct? No, there are exemptions. Are all men rapists? (and a woman can also be a rapist), Are all OB’s self centered, uncaring, control freaks?

Does the victim already blame themselves? Hold themselves painfully accountable for the events of that day? The time leading up to it? I think you will be hard pressed to find one that does not have guilt, remorse, over the decisions made.

So that leads me to this? Can you wrap blame and accountability up into responsibility? Who was responsible for those events that occurred? Obviously BOTH parties. Rape takes two, and well surgery takes many…

Is it wrong then to lay blame on others? OB’s, husbands, family, friends, strangers? Does by saying you blame them mean you are not accountable? Or can it be a mix of both? Were they not a factor, did they not contribute to the end result?

Can the victim then not express anger, hostility towards the other participant? Is that wrong? Are they to ignore that, to not blame anyone else and take the burden of responsibility solely onto themselves? To allow the other party to not be responsible for their actions?

Yet that is what we have done. We have legalized the coherced cesarean and placed the blame on ourselves, ignorant weak women. That it is ok in society for the all knowing, in control OB to “have done everything in his power that he could do”, irrelevant to the woman’s desires.

People always say you have options, choices.. But is this true? Is life like the endless possibilities of multiple outcomes? Are there not physical restraints placed upon us? Here are some examples… When people state… well you could have….

Find another OB… Alright, let’s look at this.. Is there an unlimited supply of OB’s to choose from in all areas? Can you just pick up the phone and talk directly to an OB? Ask them the questions to rule out their intentions? Finances are a question.. Not all OB’s may be covered by insurance.. So then should you go into debt, loose money (that maybe you physically just do not even have?)to find one? Drive endless miles to another area?

Have a home birth (or possibly unassisted) birth.. Let’s face it, for all this is NOT a wise idea for everyone. Yes it is an option, yes it can turn out well. And honestly I have nothing against this personally (and I am planning one in the future for myself), but there are some risks that make this an expensive gamble. OB’s and hospitals to exist for a reason. For example, If a woman may have a blood clotting (bleeding) disorder. This can make a home birth much more risky. So is this person not limited in their choices? Can we look at this woman and say “nahhh, the risk is not there, or it is soooo minimal”. Some may be ok with that, some may agree. Others may be afraid. Others may look for guidance and assistance. Does this make them fair game then for an unnecessary cesarean and then all the blame accountability crap aftwerwards? But we expect this woman with a limitation to be stronger, to face adversary, to take the gamble.

So this then leads me to conclude, time, location, finances, culture, family, physical health, etc are all real restraints placed upon us. Are some people in a better position to have less restraints upon them? Yes! While others have more restraints. Yet we paint the broad brush of “well you could have”. Could they?!? Is it right to say to everyone they could have?

So if the person holds a gun to the woman’s head, and threatens her, and no one is there to defend her. Should she have done a judo chop, kicked the gun away and ran? Is there not debilitating fear playing a role? what if she was physically incapable of overpowering her attacker? What is the difference between a physical gun and perceived threat, a ‘dead baby card’. So do we say to the woman who submitted to the gun, “well, you were weak”. Yet we say to a person who had the dead baby card shoved in their face multiple times “you should have been stronger, known better, whipped out all the statistics and medical facts”. That is just about as realistic as saying to the woman she should have pulled out HER gun on the attacker. Yes, some may carry a gun, and yes, some may be able to battle wits with an OB, but do we expect this of all? Yes unfortunately we do.

Let’s face it, this is what we are demanding of ourselves. To overpower all opposition, to steamroll through medicine, family, finances, miles… Some of us may be able to do this… and some not…

Ok, I am done having deep thoughts now… I hope you had a chance to look and think about these ponderings, and maybe looked and pondered on your own.

Small world we live in.

2007-05-20T11:52:00.000-04:00

Another "small world" event. My career is in such a specialized area, that there truly are no burnt bridges unless you plan on not working anymore. This week had an email from a co-worker that I worked with for 6 years at L.P. He had moved on to G. Interviewed a guy who had another co-worker of mine listed as a reference. This co-worker worked with me at W. and is now at A. So you never know who will pop up. It pays to play nice.

The First

2007-05-18T15:02:00.000-04:00

Ok, something new.

Thought I would try blogging... After all it is the new "journal" of today... If anyone is interested in the pre-blog history, I have an older website, http://mason100-ivil.tripod.com/. This is out of date, but still has some interesting me stuff on it.