I have had a decent amount of time alone. something I do not have much of. Which has left me with time to think, to ponder items that would normally not even force their ways through the tangled complex web of my everyday life.
I thought about the paths I have taken in life, and the paths left unexplored. Where I have come from and where I am going. I have reflected on the fact that as a youth I always saw my whole life ahead of me, an open palate left to be painted. Now, I realize that half of that painting has been done, and the sketch for the rest there to be finished or scratched over.
I contemplated what I have done, did I do the things I thought I would? Have I accomplished what I had set out to do? This is a difficult analysis, as I have found my goals, my picture of the future has metamorphosed over time. Changing sometimes daily as my tumultuous life twisted on a rail that leads me where?
Where I am now, a mid-career level Biochemist. A wife of close to 11 years. A Mother of one dear child. An EMT. A homeowner. Living in a location that never entered into the realm of possibilities before.
Am I fulfilled? A difficult question. What is fulfillment? Have I ever been? I have been told „You are never happy“, „You are unsettled, restless, never pleased“. But is that true? do I not find happiness in daily life? I do stop to smell the proverbial roses as they say.
I guess it comes down to the fact that I am an „over achiever“, the typical „type A personality“. No, I never am satisfied that something is „complete“ or that it is perfect. I have found rarely an item, or event is perfect. Perfection is reserved for God alone, all else musters the best we can. I can see improvements in everything, in every one. There is always growth. Growth is not a negative, not a reason to say you are unhappy, but a stimulus, a stimulus to keep us ever evolving.
Have I done well evolving? Some times i think yes, others no. Some times like these past hours alone, unencumbered as wife, as mom, I have contemplated what „single“ me would have done. What things I saw myself doing as a child. In the military? On a space shuttle? In the OR dicing apart the human body? All those came to me as real possibilities for my life, for me to strive to evolve, always challenging roles, some that seem outright unreachable as a child.
So did I drive to my unreachable goals? Did I settle on a path least challenging? I sometimes wonder. I wonder where my life has taken me, where my soul, my mind, my body has ended up in this ever dynamic world.
Did I go it alone? No. Early in my life I found a mate, a person who I found would share my soul with. A comfort, a security that I needed. No matter how much of an individual I will always be, I need those ties, the feeling of „belonging“ of being needed, and needing. It is something I do not regret, even in the act of taking one path, some other paths around me were erased from the canvas of my life.
It is interesting to reflect on the fact that choices made, no matter how well planned they were, or how right they felt at the time will always fall under scrutiny as the years pass, as time puts a distance from what seemed like the right thing. But I must say overall, I am still agreeing with the decisions I have made. We will see how that fares as age, and time stretches on.
I feel that I have made a difference in the world, maybe not with a broad stroke that many will recognize me, or the contributions I have made. But that is ok, most people who make a difference in the world around them go unnoticed. Modest. I like that. It is the intimate changes that I make in peoples lives. That is what counts.
And I will have a legacy, a child that grows in my image daily. Her brilliant mind, her strong will, all things that will give her a foundation to take on the world around her and come out the other side. If there is one thing I can teach my only child, it is that the world is an ever changing environ, and you must be prepared, and ready to ride the world facing forward, taking on life’s challenges as they fly at you from any direction. To never let your guard down, because when you become complacent, when you find yourself in a secure routine, remember that this is fleeting and enjoy it.
My career, is this where I want to be? Some days, as I am teaching or sharing with others, and I see that spark of interest, or maybe the „moment of enlightenment“ as something finally makes sense, something fills in the gaps between what was known, and unknown. I like those days. Those days make me feel that I am making a difference, slight, but there. Days I am faced with a challenge that seems impossible, a task that others wave away, and I must make happen. Those are the days I complain, I curse, yet I also triumph. It is a chance to take on something that will force me to grow, force me to realize my weaknesses and take on a task that is make or break.
It is the routine that kills me, when life falls into the rut of monotonous non-challenge that my mind and soul question my choices. What has brought me to this middle class, middle life muddle? That is the moments when I need to shake up my life.
There are also days when I face the fact that even as I planned, my life still proved complex. That I have no control over a lot of my life. These are the days I curse the sky, shake my fist at the sun, the world around me, and ask the „WHY?“ just to already know the answer. There is no answer. There never will be. It just is.
I will never understand the human suffering. The things that people must endure while trying to make the most of their short existence on this world we share. We find ourselves for the most part removed from suffering in this day and age. We all have a tendency to grow old something that was a precious commodity for the majority of human history. Ugh, plane here… have to stop this rambling…
