Dream

Ok, so I had this really weird dream that was so vivid when I woke up it was unreal...

I was a motorcycle rider?!?! I had on a black helmet, dressed all in black, and ok, I kid you not, this little black half cape tied around my neck... (ok, ridiculous I know, especial since it is dangerous for superheroes to wear capes {thanks for the info Mr. Incredible}).

I was at a gas station with this enormous black motorcycle, no chrome, all pitch black, like something DEATH in a Discworld novel would ride. And... I could not figure out where to put the gas! I was standing there with the gas nozzle just staring at the massive machine.

Then this gas attendant, dressed like something out of Leave it to Beaver episode, little boat hat, striped shirt walks up and asks if I need assistance and fills my tank.

The end of the dream is me sitting on top of this monstrous contraption, and all I can remember is that I was smiling so much my cheeks hurt..

Ok, so WTF is that?!?! I can be heard referring to motorcycles as donorcycles after my mirad of ambulance calls, where we are thankful they wore a helmet, because it makes spatula duty easier....

My co-worker who chuckled that she is not a dream interpreter told me it sounds like I need a vacation, that the motorcycle was representative of having no ties, no room for DH, no carseat for DD, no place for the dog, cats, crabs, fish... Just me and this giant joy ride... Told me I should by a Harley... Next I will be getting a tat!

But the cape?!??!

Defeat? Refocus?

In these ever changing economic times, I find myself challenged. Challenged on many fronts. First, we moved to NH with the intention of building a family, having a great place to raise children. Well, my reproductive history has been as sucessful as Red Korea's space program! PSSSTTTT.... crash and burn... So where does that land me? Re-evaluation....

DH's lucrative contract job came to a screeching halt in November of 2008. So it was onto the list for unemployment. That alone is a blog list and a half about dealing with how to cope with job loss (ok, you can enter here many expletives like "my career is over, I am worthless, why did I go to school? I can't even get a hamburger job!!!"..) The emotional rollercoaster is hell... So Re-evaluation...

My role in ICAN.. I came to the realization that I am the crappyest chapter leader in history. We have no members, we have no money, and well, try as I might, each time I say "I will call ten more places to look for a meeting location" I am frustrated that the last 20 have been "go bugger off nut job! the cost is $300 a day, you need insurance, you are not a resident of the town, we are too small to offer meeting space"... And that on top of my reproductive losses leaving me emotionally drained and finding it hard to relate to pregnancy at the moment .. {like an elusive rare bird that happens to other people. Other people have happy healthy worry free pregnancies... not me}.. DH is not supportive, feels that I am well, emotionally instable to carry the weight of other women's needs. (yeah makes me feel great he has such confidence in me!) But I know what he is trying to say... I am needed by Him, by my DD. And he does not want to see that suffer from me fracturing into a million peices... So, re-evaluation...

Being an EMT... Thought it would be no big deal, but up here getting my NH license has been the equivalent of trying to join a super secret society! There has been no cut and dry directions on anything! First it was weeks of finding out exactly what courses I need to do to convert my NJ license to a NH one. Then it was weeks of figguring out what was needed to apease the National Registry whores who seemed to not cooperate in trying to register to test. After that came the, "oh, there is one more computer test you have to take on some obscure computer system that no one told you about". Did that, sent in the paperwork following their vauge instructions on the back. So I started this whole thing in February, and just yesterday I found out that I did not have 'transition module'! WTF!!!!!!!!! I took the transition module in february! Contacted the training provider, she told me "oops, had an email problem to the state after the class.... if they cannot find the roster, I may have to take the class over again in JUNE!" AAKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!! The entire time my pager is going off, and I have to sit on my hands! This whole system is enough to say "bugger off!" All I wanted to do was volunteer, and it has cost me >$500. and months of agony and frustration! No wonder why places cannot get people to volunteer!

I guess i am just wiped. Things that used to be no big deal seem like mountains. Things that I would just do without thinking twice now require me to analyze, and get family approval. Things just suck!

Individualism in our community

So I live in a small community. Not really big by any means. As a bit of history, it was part of another town and then annexed from it. We have a total of maybe two blinking traffic lights, one elementary school, don't even have our own post office (share a zip with the town we split from). So you get my picture.



Well, what I find fascinating is it is a town full of individuals, people who want to stand in their homes on their property and care only about that. There seems to be a lacking in community. Where is the pride in community? The desire to have a strong community base? We have a little over 2,000 registered voters (out of a population of 6,000+) and in our last town meeting where a New England town votes on everything by verbal Aye and Nay methods, there was around 312 voters!

Overall it was an eye opening experience. The questions people had, the arguments that ensued were all fascinating from an observers standpoint. The Yankee mentality....

Some of my favorite from the night were:

Question on buying a new fire truck. 1) How many fires did we have last year? {UM, ok, does it matter if YOUR house is on fire?!?} 2) Well, if the fire truck is just 30 years old, and you say still passes inspection, then it ain't broke. So come ask us for a new one when the old one is broke.. {Again, slap head... If it is broke, what will put out your smouldering hillbilly shack?}

The pain was just excruciating! I am not one for high taxes nor for crazy spending to increase taxes, but sometimes you have to spend money! It is funny that no one questioned the 2.7 to 3% salary raise for the town workers! Shventa, I did not get a raise this year due to the economy!

But the best one so far is the hand painted sign... "Vote NO to the fire dept. They are building a GYM with are money".... are?!? really?

Driving through Jersey, land of the property tax, income tax, sales tax, I looked out the window and saw sprawling stone work fire departments, town halls that look like small estates, post offices spiraling high into the air. I read about new equipment, of parades, of parks, monuments, and schools with money.

So what works and what does not? I do not know....

Snow again!

It is snowing yet again. March 9th, and snow. AAAKKK!

We were teased this weekend with weather in the 50's, and I even went outside and did some spring yard cleanup for a bit in a light coat! Left the parka inside! There were spots of grass showing through the snow! The sunlight was so bright yesterday! I wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep in the sun with my cats...

And today I woke up to another 3 to 6 inches! Enough!

NH does not keep snow totals for all areas, and so far I could only find info for Concord, which as of last week listed 84" of snow this season. I know we have had more than Concord, so a quick estimate is we are around 100" of snow!

Sigh.... All I can do is sit inside and dog-ear my seed and flower catalogues... someday....

Peake's Paw

So my inlaws were up for the weekend, and they brought with them a token. A plaster cast taken by their vet's office of our Peake's paw. With his name on it, and a little bow.

What to say. I could not say anything when MIL handed me the little package... I had to open it, but I did not want to see it. Did not want to feel the pain of loss again.

But I did. I looked at those big honking paws and thougth of that sweet friendly guy who used to snore, drool and stand on you, all 25 lbs of him pressing into you in four little paws. Thinking of the day we went to the West Milford Animal Shelter in NJ and brought home "Tommy and Lucy" as they were named there. To become our Chessie and Peake. That was 1998, shortly after our wedding.

We miss him, and like the list of pets he will always be there, just around the corner.