Contimplations while on the road alone

I have had a decent amount of time alone. something I do not have much of. Which has left me with time to think, to ponder items that would normally not even force their ways through the tangled complex web of my everyday life.

I thought about the paths I have taken in life, and the paths left unexplored. Where I have come from and where I am going. I have reflected on the fact that as a youth I always saw my whole life ahead of me, an open palate left to be painted. Now, I realize that half of that painting has been done, and the sketch for the rest there to be finished or scratched over.

I contemplated what I have done, did I do the things I thought I would? Have I accomplished what I had set out to do? This is a difficult analysis, as I have found my goals, my picture of the future has metamorphosed over time. Changing sometimes daily as my tumultuous life twisted on a rail that leads me where?

Where I am now, a mid-career level Biochemist. A wife of close to 11 years. A Mother of one dear child. An EMT. A homeowner. Living in a location that never entered into the realm of possibilities before.

Am I fulfilled? A difficult question. What is fulfillment? Have I ever been? I have been told „You are never happy“, „You are unsettled, restless, never pleased“. But is that true? do I not find happiness in daily life? I do stop to smell the proverbial roses as they say.

I guess it comes down to the fact that I am an „over achiever“, the typical „type A personality“. No, I never am satisfied that something is „complete“ or that it is perfect. I have found rarely an item, or event is perfect. Perfection is reserved for God alone, all else musters the best we can. I can see improvements in everything, in every one. There is always growth. Growth is not a negative, not a reason to say you are unhappy, but a stimulus, a stimulus to keep us ever evolving.

Have I done well evolving? Some times i think yes, others no. Some times like these past hours alone, unencumbered as wife, as mom, I have contemplated what „single“ me would have done. What things I saw myself doing as a child. In the military? On a space shuttle? In the OR dicing apart the human body? All those came to me as real possibilities for my life, for me to strive to evolve, always challenging roles, some that seem outright unreachable as a child.

So did I drive to my unreachable goals? Did I settle on a path least challenging? I sometimes wonder. I wonder where my life has taken me, where my soul, my mind, my body has ended up in this ever dynamic world.

Did I go it alone? No. Early in my life I found a mate, a person who I found would share my soul with. A comfort, a security that I needed. No matter how much of an individual I will always be, I need those ties, the feeling of „belonging“ of being needed, and needing. It is something I do not regret, even in the act of taking one path, some other paths around me were erased from the canvas of my life.

It is interesting to reflect on the fact that choices made, no matter how well planned they were, or how right they felt at the time will always fall under scrutiny as the years pass, as time puts a distance from what seemed like the right thing. But I must say overall, I am still agreeing with the decisions I have made. We will see how that fares as age, and time stretches on.

I feel that I have made a difference in the world, maybe not with a broad stroke that many will recognize me, or the contributions I have made. But that is ok, most people who make a difference in the world around them go unnoticed. Modest. I like that. It is the intimate changes that I make in peoples lives. That is what counts.

And I will have a legacy, a child that grows in my image daily. Her brilliant mind, her strong will, all things that will give her a foundation to take on the world around her and come out the other side. If there is one thing I can teach my only child, it is that the world is an ever changing environ, and you must be prepared, and ready to ride the world facing forward, taking on life’s challenges as they fly at you from any direction. To never let your guard down, because when you become complacent, when you find yourself in a secure routine, remember that this is fleeting and enjoy it.

My career, is this where I want to be? Some days, as I am teaching or sharing with others, and I see that spark of interest, or maybe the „moment of enlightenment“ as something finally makes sense, something fills in the gaps between what was known, and unknown. I like those days. Those days make me feel that I am making a difference, slight, but there. Days I am faced with a challenge that seems impossible, a task that others wave away, and I must make happen. Those are the days I complain, I curse, yet I also triumph. It is a chance to take on something that will force me to grow, force me to realize my weaknesses and take on a task that is make or break.

It is the routine that kills me, when life falls into the rut of monotonous non-challenge that my mind and soul question my choices. What has brought me to this middle class, middle life muddle? That is the moments when I need to shake up my life.

There are also days when I face the fact that even as I planned, my life still proved complex. That I have no control over a lot of my life. These are the days I curse the sky, shake my fist at the sun, the world around me, and ask the „WHY?“ just to already know the answer. There is no answer. There never will be. It just is.
I will never understand the human suffering. The things that people must endure while trying to make the most of their short existence on this world we share. We find ourselves for the most part removed from suffering in this day and age. We all have a tendency to grow old something that was a precious commodity for the majority of human history. Ugh, plane here… have to stop this rambling…

Madeline Learns Time

Well, I came home from a four day business trip, and came to realize that madeline has learned time. As a baby, there is no consept of time. There is only now. Yesterday and Tomorrow are words without meaning.

She has developed that relationship. She knows that Saturday and Sunday there is no school, that Wednesday is Tumble Bus day. She will look at the clock and exclaim "I'ts six o'clock! Boy am I tired! Time for bed!". (Even though the clock usually reads 8:00, but she is trying). She has observed that diffrent events mark the passage of time.

So when she asked Monday night if Mommy would be home tomorrow and Daddy replied "no". For her it was an eternity.

It is amazing to watch the developmental process of children, as things you take for granted or never really questioned are examined, and incorporated into a new person's world. It is truly a blessing.

EMS update

Well, I completed my EMT-B RTP (refresher training program) last weekend, all 24+ hours of it, and this weekend did my CPR for healthcare provider by AHA. Now I have to gear up for the state practical, on the 21st. After that, it is on to the National Registry test... (not looking forward to that).

I have been practicing my online tests, and if I just stop thinking about it and pick what my gut tells me, I seem to be doing ok. If I start thinking, i start picking the wrong answer.. That's me, analyze it to the point where no answer makes sense.

So, a lot to go, but seems that I might just be doing this again...

Off to watch Mother, Jugs, and Speed.. :)

Madeline Writes Her Name

Well, Madeline wrote her name in school recently. It was really quite amazing to see. Here she is about 3 and a half, and proud to show mom her name!

So we practiced at home, and sure enough she wrote it all out (each letter was about 10 inches high!). But there it was M, A, D, E, L, I, N, E !!!!!!!

She then went on to try to write my name.

It is truly a blessing to watch as her Independence and desire to master the world around her evolves. She will tell me "I don't know that one" and I will draw it once. She then will yell "I know, I know! Let me do it now!" as she concentrates and then draws her own version, even making corrections till it looks like mine. When she gets frustrated she takes the crayon and scribbles furiously over the offending mark. It is so fun to watch her grow. I truly am blessed.

One step forward!

Well I passed my NH EMT-B practical exam! PHEW! I was so stressed, it was beyond frustrating. Lets just say a few PVC's were had that day!

I first must say thank you to all the guys and gal who took time out of their day to help me on Wednesday the 18th at Brentwood Fire. I have not been given the OK that I am a member, but there was a whole gang there to help me practice for the test. It really meant a lot to me and reminded me of why I do EMS.

Because EMS is a family. That is why I do it. That is why I find myself drawn to EMS. Once you are part of the family, you will always be family. There is something about sharing a call with people who are complete strangers that brings people together. Something about having to trust with your life the guys around you. It is something that few ever have the privledge of being members of. I think that my draw to EMS is because I was drawn to the military. I never served, for one reason or another, but I serve my country, my community by doing EMS.

And I have been away too long. Soon. Soon.