Nine Years

Well,

Today is our anniversary. Nine years married. Time for a quick reflection...

September 1995. University. Met at a floor party. September 23rd, first official Date.
Some wonderful University memories: Gracies. Silver Springs. Guelph Ontario. Twin/long beds. Nick Tahoe's. Rob's missing wallet (part five). Little red car.

December 23rd, 1996. Engagement at Letchworth State Park, under the Northfolk Southern "southern tier" railroad trestle.

May 30th, 1998. Married in Upstate NY. A great sunny day. Traveling the east coast for our honeymoon. AutoTrain

1997-2000, North NJ, mountainpov estates. WLVP, NYC trips, camping at highpoint, 4th of July with friends. 1000 Islands.

2000-2006, Central NJ. North village Apts, Our first house 2002. EMS, Kung-Fu. Panera Bread, Barnes & Noble. San Diego, Miami,

2003 October, 1st Angel baby, June 2004, Angel Baby 2. October 2004 Angel Baby 3, July 2005 Madeline Lael Arrives!

2006 Move to the "live free or die" state! Spend five months as a single mom, seeing Rob every other weekend till our house sells in NJ.

2007 Flooded out of our apartment, looking for a house.

Well, a quick synopsis.. Just a little snapshot of the years that have flown by. Amazing.

A great quote

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear isthat we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness,that most frightens us. We ask ourselves "who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You area child of the Universe. Your playing small doesn't serve the world.There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won'tfeel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do...we were born to make manifest the Universe that is within us. And as welet our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission todo the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presenceautomatically liberates others.~Marianne Williamson

Hunting the Elusive "perfect house"

Well, yet another weekend was spent, map in hand, internet printout attached to dashboard, roaming Rockingham county looking for that elusive perfect home.

Many long hours, cold coffee, and miles on my truck have been undertaken, yet we remain homeless.

Our latest search with about five "potentials" and each one was more disappointing than the previous. Corner lot, smallest house in the neighborhood, power lines right across the back. Not to forget the no trees, no backyard, no garage issues. Each one had that perfect sucker picture online, taken from just the right angle, when the sun was perfect, using the most distorting lens the photographer had available.

Back to our little hot apartment. To watch the adults throw a friggin football feet from my truck in the parking lot. the temperature reaching all time highs, the sun flaring in the windows.

I need a house, I need some land. Some peace, privacy, cool air. I am going crazy.

Not trying but...

Well, I POAS. And it was a BFN... Oh well. Not really trying, but in a way it would have been nice. Guess this just lets us concentrate on the issue at hand... Not being homeless..

Meanie Greenie Peeps

I wanted to feel something. I did. I wanted to feel pitty, I donoo, anger maybe? But nothing...

Some people talking about the intolerance of children. Children not allowing the other to play. The reactions by most was "so sorry" "little benoches" etc...

But I had no feeling of the child being slighted. Nope. Not even surprise. Why? Because if you ask me our society is just going down that path. More than ever. Sad. Everyone thought cliques were a high school thing, and died with graduation.

No. sadly they start much earlier. Children at the park taking cues from those around them. Who to say hi to. Who to sneer at.

I wonder if this plays a role in the oh so many acts of school violence that now tears our society apart. Is it because guns are easier to get? There is a higher percentage of demented (loony, psycho, whatever you want to use to label them) children than in generations past? Is it because of our "violent" tv? Maybe it is just our children becoming super critical at such a young age. Forcing people to the fringe. Maybe it is us parents, wanting our child to be part of a group, to be accepted, when in all honesty, they probably will not be accepted.

The idea of "I can't protect them" comes up. But for me I do not want to protect my child. Odds are that she will encounter this, hell I have dealt with it all my life, and do not see it ending anytime soon. I don't want her shielded, I want her prepared, ready to face adversity.

I want my child to learn she can stand strong, alone if need be. I want her to learn to have a world view all her own and not be afraid to say, "go pound salt". I don't want her to have to gain acceptance of the group by being quiet, or agreeing to things that are not what she agrees to, even if they are the popular opinion. I do not want her to feel she needs to take people's crap to fit in. To socialize.

I want her to see that she will find close friends, love, and companionship, without having to be part of a collective. Fitting in is hard to do, so why bother, fit in your own life, your own skin, that is how to get through life.

The price of rural living...

Well, one thing I have notices about living in the rural setting...

Animals are downright nuts in the spring. WTF?

After we had to evacuate our apartment on the river, (which was the first time I actually watched animals flee the area, they do leave before disasters, and that should have been my clue to get my azz to higher ground... spent too much time in the city...) I moshed a squirrel.

Now although I have been driving for many years, this was the first animal (oh humans don't count... :) that I moshed. I was so shaken up, I stopped and shoveled the little floppy body to the side of the road with a dustpan from the back of my truck.

Well this week, I had a bird fly into the side of my truck while going along the Great Bay. Maddie was shocked to see a puff of feathers on the side as it kamikazes our truck.

Then this morning, one more dived the grill of my truck, and just three miles later, I ducked as one came right at my windshield... What is going on!!!

Carrie, the mosher of wildlife... Watch out...

Contemplations,

So I went to pick up my baby girl from daycare, and waiting for me was a "incident" report.

The teacher was there to explain to me what happened, and as she half laughed, half sounded apologetic.

It seems that a classmate of maddie was playing with a wood board puzzle. She was banging the pieces together and just playing with it. Well Maddie loves puzzles, and is really good at them. We have one of the alphabet with the letters all of 2" tall, and she can complete the entire alphabet herself. She had taken the puzzle piece from the other child and put it in the puzzle. The child screamed. Teacher gave back to other child. Maddie then proceeded to do this again, with the Teacher enforcing the share, and play nice lesson. Well the third time Maddie grabbed the puzzle from the child who "was not doing it right" and wonked her with it.

The teacher was laughing, because it was so "you are NOT doing it right" behavior and not meant to be mean or selfish, but to show the other kid, who was not getting it how to do it. Maddie was frustrated that the other kid did not get it.

Wow.... at 21 months, my child shows this behavior. Now I had to try to explain to a 21 month old that "not everyone will play the same way as you". "not everyone will do it the same way as you".

To my child, it was black and white. A puzzle was for putting the pieces in, not banging them together. And she was determined to make that point. Could you bang them, chew them, other things that are not the original intent the maker intended for the puzzle? Yes. But why would you when you were supposed to put the puzzle together? Why would you do anything else with it?

I just had to laugh. Seems that my child's "play" parodies my own life in so many ways. I must explain to her, that if a person chooses to use the puzzle in ways not intended, that is their choice.

Just Cut.

This is a response to a thread on an interesting forum. A forum of OB's from around the world who sit around and share "war stories" or ask for opinions from eachother.

So this is what riled my hair today...

This first part is from one OB asking about a case, and what her esteemed peers would do:

I have a good one for y'all to ponder. 23 y.o. primigravida, currently> >at 34 weeks gestational age with twins. Currently weighs 399. EFW at> >31 weeks on both twins was 5 pounds. Cephalic/cephalic presentation.> >During a visit to L&D for false labor, monitoring was essentially> >impossible.> >> >Route of delivery?

So here is one OB, telling the list that she has a 400lb woman with twins, what should she do... (ok, and here is my thing? She do? Do what? Why does she get to choose this person's route of birth? When birth is not even going to happen right now?)

And a response from another esteemed OB:

I would rec. C/S at 36 weeks. If not you will end up doing her at 3 in the morning after a 34 hour labor wit 28 hours of ruptured membranes and get out 2 sick kids. Again, IMHO. This old dog learned one new trick over the years, Vaginal Bypass before labor is the answer. I doesn't matter what the question is. (TIC, at least a little bit)

Alright. So lets look at this....

C/S at 36 weeks: Why? Does she have pre-e? The babies will not even be considered term then!

Doing her at 3 in the morning: Is this implied to prophylactic cut during 9-5 just in case it might be a late night?

After a..... get out 2 sick kids: Can you say ASSUMPTIONS? How does this one man know how this woman's labor will go? Do they hand out crystal balls in med school these days? He has not a single bit of data on this woman, her heath or anything besides her weight. And what grantees that the kids will be sick?

34 hour labor: NOT that uncommon in first time births!

28 hours of ruptured membranes: Why? Are you implying to artificially rupture the membranes? Or assuming that they will rupture on their own.. based on what?

Vaginal bypass: Great term is it not. Is the vagina broken? Does she need permission to use this part of her body?

It does not matter what the question is: ? Too short? cut Too tall? cut Fat? cut Old? cut Too many babies? cut.


Sigh.... This is not the only time I have seen such callous attitudes that if you ask me represent a decent proportion of our obstetrical community. This one person is using his "professional opinion" not based one bit on any hard data about this woman to decide her fate for her.

So when people ask me about my bandwagon. About my cause.... Read the above, you tell me, Why? What is wrong with this woman besides two things that are not even rare, obese and twins.

If you are so interested in such wonderful wisdom of how our bodies are incapable of birth, wonder on over to the board of Gods and Surgeons at OBGYN.net.

Why I have a "bandwagon"

Sigh.

I was recently informed I have a bandwagon, a soapbox... And I started thinking about this. Ya know, what is wrong with having a platform?

What is part of my platform? Well, I use a word climate to describe a whole host of factors that contribute to one physical event. Birth.

Sex, Pregnancy, and Birth all happen. On the pure scientific level, procreation, continuation of the species. A biological process. A physical chain of events that occur in mammalian animals driven by hormones, etc.

Procreation happens, all mammals reproduce. And I guess enter here my ~evil agenda, twisted view, etc~... All mammals have the inate, physical ability to reproduce unassisted. there I said it. Rabbits do it, cats do it, cows do it, even if you believe it, our closest relative, primates birth without assistance. Yet humans are the ONLY mamal that cannot procreate without assistance? Most people will bluster "perposterous, what are you talking about, we don't need assistance!". Do we?

Alright. Then why do we use assitance (MW, OB, Hosptial, etc)? Now the popular response would be multi facited... 1) We have the technology to make it safer. 2) We have the technology so women can be saved from the pains of labor. 3) We need help in case something goes wrong!

Ok.. I can see that, I can see the logic to that. But what I cannot see is that our society has completely embrased the technical form of Birth and shunned other options. That if you were to ask a woman on the street if they "needed a Dr., a hospital to birth a baby" the answer would be yes. Why?

Sort of off on the side, but the mind wanders you know... One fellow listmember once wrote, that if we feel birth is so inherently dangerous that we must do it in a hospital, is it a leap to next mandate the beginning of the process "intercourse" to also be done in the hospital? Jokingly staing that something might go wrong, all those sperms may be lost, there may be a physical injury during the act.

Is it a "feel good" need? To feel that I have surrounded myself with everything, (including the machine that goes ping) and so now if something goes astray, I will be saved....

I just do not know... Somehow we arrived at this point. Now what?

Oh my....

Had another, OMG WTF moment... Seems that there have been a lot of those lately in my life...

Picking Madeline up from school, and she was playing with a doll. Of course, like all dolls that end up in childrens hands, it was in a state of nakedness. I talked her into "letting baby doll go night night" so we could go home. Maddie is 21 months old.

She threw the doll down onto the pile of doll clothes and other naked dolls. And it landed face up. I paused.... the doll has quite a strikingly detailed set of male genetalia. Not just the "ambiguous bump" but a lot of detail, too much detail.

After the uncomfortable pause, I continued to get our stuff together and went home.. The entire time thinking WTF?

What purpouse would having a completely accurate, down to scale features of genetalia in a early childhood public classroom serve? Not to mention that this is a "christian academy".

That night husband and I laughed at first, and then really could not understand this. I feel that as a society we have set our comfort levels to one that requires being clothed, and not exposing oneself in public. So why have the opportunity for naked dolls with striking detail?

I followed this up witht he school director, and what an uncomfortable talk that was. I was blushing like a child... I was told that the school had purchased the "incredibly detailed ethinc dolls years ago to expose children to diffrent body images, African, Asian, etc.". And that no other parent has ever even commented. I guess I am old fashion. I was told that they do not let the three year olds play with them because "they start to question, since they start to pick up the inhibitions and views we impose on them". Again another WTF? Does our society we live in not expect us to be clothed in public situations?

Interesting...

Blame and Accountability

Blame and Accountability


Are they polar opposites? Or do they swing an intricate dance around each other? Can you only have one and not the other? Does one negate the other? If you use blame, then are you not accountable? Or can you be accountable and still have blame?

This random thought pattern occurred to me as I tried to sleep last nights, a fall cold wracking my body with coughs that have sent my muscles into spasms.

The context that I was thinking was a comment that “Women should be accountable for their cesareans, not blaming Dr’s, nurses, etc. That women have walked out, etc..” And it angered me.

And then I thought about this… Can there not be blame and accountability at the same time? And also I think this is a harsh line to walk.. It was not too long ago that a woman was held accountable for being raped… That blaming the attacker was wrong…

And then I thought about the similarities between rape and coerced surgery.
Both “attackers” have blinders on, both are looking out for themselves and what they want, irrelevant of the other party. An attacker wants sexual gratification, domination. A coerced cesarean provider wants domination, control, limit of their liability. Both of these two individuals act on motives that are swayed to their desires, ignoring the desires of the victim.

A woman who was coerced into a cesarean is told lots of postmortem comments. Like “you could have found another OB”, “you could have walked in pushing”, “you could have refused” etc…”you were weak, you were ignorant”

A woman who was raped was told “you were asking for it, in your dress and behavior”, “what do you expect you were in the wrong place, wrong friends, etc”. “you could have fought harder, why didn’t you?” “your actions made you weak, vulnerable, a target”. “you should have known better than to be there, or with them”

So does this take the blame off of the attacker? The OB? Both who were the dominant party in the situation? And on this note, yes, in society it is noted that “men have more control, more power, more respect” “Dr’s are more intelligent, have the answers, are altruistic, {do no harm}, have your best interest in mind”. Can we say that this is 100% correct? No, there are exemptions. Are all men rapists? (and a woman can also be a rapist), Are all OB’s self centered, uncaring, control freaks?

Does the victim already blame themselves? Hold themselves painfully accountable for the events of that day? The time leading up to it? I think you will be hard pressed to find one that does not have guilt, remorse, over the decisions made.

So that leads me to this? Can you wrap blame and accountability up into responsibility? Who was responsible for those events that occurred? Obviously BOTH parties. Rape takes two, and well surgery takes many…

Is it wrong then to lay blame on others? OB’s, husbands, family, friends, strangers? Does by saying you blame them mean you are not accountable? Or can it be a mix of both? Were they not a factor, did they not contribute to the end result?

Can the victim then not express anger, hostility towards the other participant? Is that wrong? Are they to ignore that, to not blame anyone else and take the burden of responsibility solely onto themselves? To allow the other party to not be responsible for their actions?

Yet that is what we have done. We have legalized the coherced cesarean and placed the blame on ourselves, ignorant weak women. That it is ok in society for the all knowing, in control OB to “have done everything in his power that he could do”, irrelevant to the woman’s desires.

People always say you have options, choices.. But is this true? Is life like the endless possibilities of multiple outcomes? Are there not physical restraints placed upon us? Here are some examples… When people state… well you could have….

Find another OB… Alright, let’s look at this.. Is there an unlimited supply of OB’s to choose from in all areas? Can you just pick up the phone and talk directly to an OB? Ask them the questions to rule out their intentions? Finances are a question.. Not all OB’s may be covered by insurance.. So then should you go into debt, loose money (that maybe you physically just do not even have?)to find one? Drive endless miles to another area?

Have a home birth (or possibly unassisted) birth.. Let’s face it, for all this is NOT a wise idea for everyone. Yes it is an option, yes it can turn out well. And honestly I have nothing against this personally (and I am planning one in the future for myself), but there are some risks that make this an expensive gamble. OB’s and hospitals to exist for a reason. For example, If a woman may have a blood clotting (bleeding) disorder. This can make a home birth much more risky. So is this person not limited in their choices? Can we look at this woman and say “nahhh, the risk is not there, or it is soooo minimal”. Some may be ok with that, some may agree. Others may be afraid. Others may look for guidance and assistance. Does this make them fair game then for an unnecessary cesarean and then all the blame accountability crap aftwerwards? But we expect this woman with a limitation to be stronger, to face adversary, to take the gamble.

So this then leads me to conclude, time, location, finances, culture, family, physical health, etc are all real restraints placed upon us. Are some people in a better position to have less restraints upon them? Yes! While others have more restraints. Yet we paint the broad brush of “well you could have”. Could they?!? Is it right to say to everyone they could have?

So if the person holds a gun to the woman’s head, and threatens her, and no one is there to defend her. Should she have done a judo chop, kicked the gun away and ran? Is there not debilitating fear playing a role? what if she was physically incapable of overpowering her attacker? What is the difference between a physical gun and perceived threat, a ‘dead baby card’. So do we say to the woman who submitted to the gun, “well, you were weak”. Yet we say to a person who had the dead baby card shoved in their face multiple times “you should have been stronger, known better, whipped out all the statistics and medical facts”. That is just about as realistic as saying to the woman she should have pulled out HER gun on the attacker. Yes, some may carry a gun, and yes, some may be able to battle wits with an OB, but do we expect this of all? Yes unfortunately we do.

Let’s face it, this is what we are demanding of ourselves. To overpower all opposition, to steamroll through medicine, family, finances, miles… Some of us may be able to do this… and some not…

Ok, I am done having deep thoughts now… I hope you had a chance to look and think about these ponderings, and maybe looked and pondered on your own.

Small world we live in.

Another "small world" event. My career is in such a specialized area, that there truly are no burnt bridges unless you plan on not working anymore. This week had an email from a co-worker that I worked with for 6 years at L.P. He had moved on to G. Interviewed a guy who had another co-worker of mine listed as a reference. This co-worker worked with me at W. and is now at A. So you never know who will pop up. It pays to play nice.

The First

Ok, something new.

Thought I would try blogging... After all it is the new "journal" of today... If anyone is interested in the pre-blog history, I have an older website, http://mason100-ivil.tripod.com/. This is out of date, but still has some interesting me stuff on it.