NH Ice Storm

Well, we had contemplated purchasing a portable generator since it seems that the power grid is always going out here and there, plus our house is wired with a transfer switch and an external plug.

But like most home projects, we put it on the back burner, right up there with new gutters, studding out the basement, fixing that sink drain that seems to always clog... oh and I could list so many more...

Well, was probably a bad idea. In early december an ice storm came thorugh depositing about 1/4 to 3/4 an inch of ice on everything. Trees snapping sounded like gunshot throughout the night. And due to the fact that NH has some really nice "scenic roadways" the trees are always right along the road, (ok, and those that are not protected as scenic are just in the sticks anyways, and most are dirt!) so the power lines snake in and out of tree branches.

We sat it out the first 24 hours, using our propane gas log set for heat. But after that, with no well for water or flushing toilets, nothing to cook on, and well 47F in the house, it was time to start thinking of other plans. Poor Madeline could not understand why we wanted her to keep her hat, jacket, and shoes on. All the things we tell her to take off when she gets home. She even went as far as to ask me to sit on the toilet first so to warm the seat for her!

Packed it up and headed out to family 6 hours away, could not find gas within 2 hours of our home due to power outages or gas shortages. We ended up spending four days as refugees, following the news on the internet and calling our neighbor.

Bought a generator and drove home with all the Ashplund tree crew bucket trucks heading east with us.

We were lucky, out of power for about 3-4 days, some around us went as long as a week and a half! So at least next time we have a generator.

Now we just have to put to the list of house projects connecting the right pigtail to the power cord.. LOL...

The birds are back in town

I had been a bit neglectful of our backyard feeders, and let them dry out for a while. But on Sunday, I went out and filled up the suet and seed hoppers. I swear I heard one of the woodpeckers singing in the woods at the top of it's head.

Sure enough the first one to arrive was a downy woodpecker. Happy to check out the two new suet cakes. Shortly after that came the black capped chickadees and then the titmouse. I saw at least two pairs of cardinals. And sure enough out came the blue Jays and by the end of the day, the top was off the barn style feeder and one was standing inside it.

It was nice to stand at the kitchen window and see them all out there on a rainy foggy day. But it seems whenever I fill up the feeders, out comes the predators as well.

So this morning I woke up to a pile of white and grey feathers strewn around the back feeder. Sigh. I guess I must feed the hawks as well.

Rainy Days

Rain Rain go away...

So here it is raining, while my parents have 13 inches of snow! I had to put a rain coat on Maddie for school! In NOVEMBER! AAK! I don't live in NJ anymore! Where is my snow?

And to add insult to injury, I read a stupid news article about how busy professional women choose cesareans! I wanted to gag, the actual reflex was so strong, I could not finish the article, especially the part where mr OB god states "c/s are perfectly safe, as long as you do not want more than two children" WHAT THE FREAKING FOO? Now we let OB's decide our family size? What kind of crap is that? How can you say it is safe, and wonderful and you will be just peachy after major surgery, and then say "well, actually, you are permanently damaged, and will be considered a ticking time bomb, and we will suggest surgical sterilization at the time of your repeat cesarean to prevent you from becoming a danger to yourself, your family, and my medical practice" WTFIGOH!

Why? Why do women put themselves in the hands of these people? Why are we so short sighted that we do not look past today? Sure maybe today is not a big deal, but what about tomorrow? Do you really want to allow some OB to decide how many children you can have? What happens if you want more later, but did not when you penciled your cesarean into your datebook?

I am just sick of the double message, "Cesareans are Safe, and you are considered Healthy afterwards" and then the next "VBAC's are dangerous, multiple cesareans are dangerous, after all you have a scarred uterus".

Sigh, makes me want to go put a heating pad on my Voldermort, put my feet up and say "I am getting off this train! Oh, and who said being committed to an insane asylum is that bad?"

The Scar

Somedays it feels like I live in an Edgar Allen Poe world. "NEVERMORE"

Days when Voldermort (my name for that damn scar I carry) decides to give me a zing, just to say "hey, I am still here!!! HA HA HA HA HA! Remember ME, I NEVER GO AWAY!" Sigh...

Thanks, Thanks a lot.

Days when I wish I could actually wear bikini underwear without the waist band landing right on Voldermort, and pissing him off into a rage.

Days when my granny panties roll down in a meeting and thus inevitebly piss Voldermort off, besides my best actions at silencing him I sit there suffering.

Him, why do I call my scar a HIM? I don't know, Froydian maybe?

Maybe because he that gaveth to me was a man?
The OB man that told me
"If you were my wife you would have a ..."
Oh how I longed to put the real words there instead of cesarean....
........Bladder that does not work quite right
........Numbness that never goes away, heck I probably could set it on fire!
........Weird pain forever just because, because, because
........Ugyl bikini cut 6" scar. Yeah, you CAN wear a bikini without showing your scar, (but it will be uncomfortable as hell ha ha ha)
........Scarred damaged uterus
.......Limit to the number of children you want, if you are dumb enough to have another child, we will treat you as a uterine time bomb!
......A nice pre-baby vajayjay, but the rest of your innards are so f-ed up from adhesions, you will not even think about sex again
......Apathetic people surround you. People could care less that you were just split in two, put together like a dumpling, and might not be happy about it, Smile! People will label you a wack job... Smile...
......Lobotomy. Your emotions, your life, your body mean nothing, you are just a vessel for the more important good, a child, who has more rights than you
..... An ASS HOLE for a husband!

Damn, I hate Voldermort!

Loss

Our cat Peake passed. We recieved a call that he was on his way to a routine vet visit while living with Nana and Grandpa Buster when it was noticed he was unresponsive in his cat carrier. He was already at the vets office and they tried to revive him but failed. Cause of death, heart failure.

Peake, our big-boy cat. He was always big, from the time we adopted Chessie and Peake in 1999, Peake was the big hearted, fluffy tummy boy. He took a liking to my husband and was known for stretching out on him every opportunity he had. Even when we had him on diet food, he tipped the scales at around 25 lbs. His sister not too far behind at around 18 lbs. He was only 9 years old.

He will be missed.

A Bed

Well, we did it. Finally. Madeline has a toddler bed, one of those conversion from crib to toddler. Well lets face it, the mattress is for SIDS prevention, not a good night sleep! It is like this rubber coated board! In addition, she is quite a roller, her usual sleep position consists of her feet in my belly, and head in dads belly. So in her bed, she would roll into the crib walls and wake up.

When we asked her about getting a big bed, her response was popcorn jumping and exclaiming she wanted lots and lots of sheets and blankets like mommy's bed!

Thus we went out and stimulated the economy, one purchase at a time! It was a rainy day here, and the cloud cover was so thick, it looked like dusk from 8:00am on. So headed out through the fog, and rain to one of the only local furniture places.

Madeline, of course was three, took her shoes off and had to jump on all the beds, much to my frustration and husbands challenge of trying to corral this bounding three year old. In the end, we picked out a Twin, however the sales woman told me that EEEVRYONE buys a full for their kids now. "Um, thats nice, but I plan on only stimulating the economy with a small amount, not an extra $200!".

But the place was busy, people kept on coming in, and the funny part is they were not looking at sofas, dinning room sets, but beds. The sales guy with a grin and a touch of exhaustion looks at our sales clerk and comments "holy cow, I have not been this busy in forever!"

So her big girl bed will be here on tuesday. We went to target and picked up dora, princess, and other girly bedding, although husband and Maddie tried convincing me she needed Spiderman sheets. Pink and purple will have to do!

One more minute way my baby is not quite a baby anymore.

Change

Change,

Everyone wants Change. What is change? Is it not today? Is it tomorrow? Things sure have changed since yesterday. What a vauge amorphic thought. Change.

So will my life change because the elections are over? (Thank god, thought those people would never stop calling me pitching their "guy" every night during dinner)

Well, Life went on, work went on, nothing big and earth shattering has happened, (besides my husband being let go at work, but to be fair, that was decided before November 4th).

So what change can I expect? What is there that this presedent will make my life and living situation so much better? I can't see it. But honestly I did not see a much of an improvement with the other guy.

What do we want for change? What do I expect to change? Humm, maybe not paying 22% on 100% market value assesment on my house for property taxes would be nice. Will that happen? You-betcha-your-tookass, don't see that in the change forcast! Will I pay less federal taxes? Uhm, please, don't see that happening either!

What will change? Inflation will continue, price for goods will continue to rise their ever creeping rate, slowly making that measily rase I got this year nothing more than a lunch subsidy. My house value will continue to crash, my 401K will continue to loose money (about 1/3 the value it was a year ago!). That is the change I can count on. Gee, I am feeling just peachy about change.

At Least..

A picture I love:

Acupuncture? Me?

Thought I would post about my recent foray into the world of TCM (or Traditional Chinese Medicine for those of you who are not up on it).

So here I am dealing with sub-fertility and recurrent miscarriages. (Jee, who knew that is what I would be living with... but that is a grumble for another day)

Been to see specialists of all kinds, have had all the testing known to man done (and then some experimental, or might be, maybe related in some obscure way tests). And the answer.... Drumroll here for modern science and medicine......... The big old ? Yes, there is nothing clinically wrong with me, yet I am a habitual aborter!?! WTFIRWT? If there was nothing wrong with me, I would be in happy land, with three children, a dog, a pear tree, who the hell knows, but NOT sitting across from you in this overly expensive office after just having who knows what stuffed up a place no one should go!

So what have I turned to? TCM. Call me crazy, I don't know. Maybe a pinch of desperation as time keeps marching forward, each month getting older, because you know I am just a ticking egg-ubator, roasting what I have left, exposing them to the world of toxins and bad American health each and every day!

I know, there was a time where my fear of needles and procedures had me nauseous and trying to book the next flight to some distant land. But I guess walking in, lying down, and being fillet awake, being stuffed back together like a dumpling, stapled, and sent on my merry way (oh by the way, here is a screaming, helpless infant to care for in your post surgical bliss) things changed. I survived that, and well, quite honestly my body will never be the same, so at this point, it is all down hill in self preservation land.

So now once a week I go in, take my shoes off, and lie down in the dim light on a nice toasty bed. Close my eyes and leave everything behind. My Acu guy is great. He comes in asks me how I feel (what? A health care provider who actually wants to know your symptoms?) and if you have felt better or worse since last time. Then I lie there and have needles poked into various places, including one between my eyebrows.

And ya know what, after about four visits I promptly fell asleep as my Chi decided to rewire itself. It was amazing. So will I know if it is working in the fertility area? Not yet. But overall, I sleep better, have less aches and pains, and my desire to eat anything not nailed down has decreased.

So, who knows. All I have is hope, and when that fails, I have the placebo effect!

Fall

Another beautiful fall day today. Working around the yard, cutting down this years flowers. Cleansing, like sweeping up the old, in anticipation of what next spring will bring. It is that time of year where the plant catalogs come and I sit by the fire dreaming of exotic plants, new shrubs and dog-earing the pages. The gardens are a sleeping state, waiting for the sun to warm them once more, the cool rains of spring.

I feel like that too. A calm moment with the future blown wide open. What is next? Who knows.

Halloween

Halloween.

Never really been a fan of it. Guess growing up in CNY, where your choices were limited to what would fit over your snow suit had a bit to do with that.

And since that time, things have made Halloween even more dreadful for me.

It has now been five years since I lost my first pregnancy on Halloween. Trick or Treat huh. Has time mellowed the pain? Sort of. Has the fact that I now have one child helped? A little, but nothing will erase the memories, the pain, the loss that runs so deep. There is forever a void, some days the void is the size of postage stamp and can be easliy overlooked in my hectic life, other days it is a chasim, threatening to swallow and chew me up alive.

I cling to a wonderful idea I heard somewhere by women who have suffered the same fate as I. It goes like this:

"A woman has all the children she will ever have surrounding her as angels circling above. When a woman becomes pregnant, one comes to earth. If a loss happens that little angel goes back up into the holding pattern. When she becomes pregnant again, the other little angels let the one who was not quite cut ahead and try again."

I like that.

Again

Yet again,

DH and I allowed ourselves to be hopefull. Yet again we thought "this might be it". Yet again, it was not it.

Sad, worried, confused. What happened this time? Why not this time? What did we do wrong?

Did I pull the wings off of flies as a child? Did I tear down birds nests? Did I step on ants? What has caused me to bring upon myself and my family such heartbreak?

Don't know where to turn. Don't know what is next.

The NH lifestyle

I joke that 99% of people who live in NH fit the following profile:

Drive a truck,

Have a dog,

Own a boat

Well, we are two closer to being a true Granite Stater...

Introducing Sallie. We rescued her from Homeward Bound. A rescue group that brings dogs from kill shelters in Missisippi up north. She was days away from being put down. Here is to hoping Sallie becomes a great member of our family.

Haz-Matt Mason,





Sigh, more loss, more pain. Haz-Matt, or fondly called Matthew, passed traumatically in the night. He was only four years old.





We awoke to a horrible painful meow, to find him lying on the floor next to our bed, unable to move his back legs. I started to check him out and DH started making frantic phone calls to 24 hour vet hospitals in the area. Our poor Madeline crying and not understanding what was happening at 2:00am, and why mommy was so upset.





We fortunately live three minutes from a 24 hour surgical hospital, and rushed him there. After just a fiew moments, we learned that he had a heart problem and had thrown multiple clots, one to his legs, and one to his lung. Nothing we could do. I held him and stroked him as we said goodby. It ranks up there with the most painful emotional things I have ever done.



Haz-Matt was special to me, my rambuncious boy. Always looking for love, and causing trouble. He came into my life when life was falling apart around me. As I lost my first pregnancy, Matt showed up, all 4 weeks old, and suffering. He was a stray kitten who had downed enough rat poison to turn him blue! Somehow he survived after tons of vitamin K shots, and lots of love. He was always with me, sleeping with me, and never left my side. When madeline was born, he would be there, right next to her, looking after her ever chance he got. Seems like in the early days, any picture of her would have him in it. Matthew was Madelines first recognizable word.

When Maddie and I packed up to move to NH, Matt came with us ahead of my DH, and the rest of our furry family. He was there for me, to greet me every night.

When we were flooded out of our apartment, he spent days in the Hampton Inn with us, and left in a pillowcase! Boy did the receptionist not know what to say to the squirming pillow case as i told her to bill it to our room!


Sigh, life is lonely without you my guy. Always in our hearts.

Blame and Accountability (written originally september 2006)

Blame and Accountability.

Are they polar opposites? Or do they swing an intricate dance around each other? Can you only have one and not the other? Does one negate the other? If you use blame, then are you not accountable? Or can you be accountable and still have blame?

This random thought pattern occurred to me as I tried to sleep last nights, a fall cold wracking my body with coughs that have sent my muscles into spasms.

The context that I was thinking was a comment that “Women should be accountable for their cesareans, not blaming Dr’s, nurses, etc. That women have walked out, etc..” And it angered me.

And then I thought about this… Can there not be blame and accountability at the same time? And also I think this is a harsh line to walk.. It was not too long ago that a woman was held accountable for being raped… That blaming the attacker was wrong…

And then I thought about the similarities between rape and coerced surgery.
Both “attackers” have blinders on, both are looking out for themselves and what they want, irrelevant of the other party. An attacker wants sexual gratification, domination. A coerced cesarean provider wants control, limit of their liability. Both of these two individuals act on motives that are swayed to their desires, ignoring the desires of the victim.

A woman who was coerced into a cesarean is told lots of postmortem comments. Like “you could have found another OB”, “you could have walked in pushing”, “you could have refused” etc…”you were weak, you were ignorant”

A woman who was raped was told “you were asking for it, in your dress and behavior”, “what do you expect you were in the wrong place, wrong friends, etc”. “you could have fought harder, why didn’t you?” “your actions made you weak, vulnerable, a target”. “you should have known better than to be there, or with them”

So does this take the blame off of the attacker? The OB? Both who were the dominant party in the situation? And on this note, yes, in society it is noted that “men have more control, more power, more respect” “Dr’s are more intelligent, have the answers, are altruistic, {do no harm}, have your best interest in mind”. Can we say that this is 100% correct? No, there are exemptions. Are all men rapists? (and a woman can also be a rapist), Are all OB’s self centered, uncaring, control freaks?

Does the victim already blame themselves? Hold themselves painfully accountable for the events of that day? The time leading up to it? I think you will be hard pressed to find one that does not have guilt, remorse, over the decisions made.

So that leads me to this? Can you wrap blame and accountability up into responsibility? Who was responsible for those events that occurred? Obviously BOTH parties. Rape takes two, and well surgery takes many…

Is it wrong then to lay blame on others? OB’s, husbands, family, friends, strangers? Does by saying you blame them mean you are not accountable? Or can it be a mix of both? Were they not a factor, did they not contribute to the end result?

Can the victim then not express anger, hostility towards the other participant? Is that wrong? Are they to ignore that, to not blame anyone else and take the burden of responsibility solely onto themselves? To allow the other party to not be responsible for their actions?

Yet that is what we have done. We have legalized the coherced cesarean and placed the blame on ourselves, ignorant weak women. That it is ok in society for the all knowing, in control OB to “have done everything in his power that he could do”, irrelevant to the woman’s desires.

People always say you have options, choices.. But is this true? Is life like the endless possibilities of multiple outcomes? Are there not physical restraints placed upon us? Here are some examples… When people state… well you could have….

Find another OB… Alright, let’s look at this.. Is there an unlimited supply of OB’s to choose from in all areas? Can you just pick up the phone and talk directly to an OB? Ask them the questions to rule out their intentions? Finances are a question.. Not all OB’s may be covered by insurance.. So then should you go into debt, loose money (that maybe you physically just do not even have?)to find one? Drive endless miles to another area?

Have a home birth (or possibly unassisted) birth.. Let’s face it, for all this is NOT a wise idea for everyone. Yes it is an option, yes it can turn out well. And honestly I have nothing against this personally (and I am planning one in the future for myself), but there are some risks that make this an expensive gamble. OB’s and hospitals to exist for a reason. For example, If a woman may have a blood clotting (bleeding) disorder. This can make a home birth much more risky. So is this person not limited in their choices? Can we look at this woman and say “nahhh, the risk is not there, or it is soooo minimal”. Some may be ok with that, some may agree. Others may be afraid. Others may look for guidance and assistance. Does this make them fair game then for an unnecessary cesarean and then all the blame accountability crap aftwerwards? But we expect this woman with a limitation to be stronger, to face adversary, to take the gamble.

So this then leads me to conclude, time, location, finances, culture, family, physical health, etc are all real restraints placed upon us. Are some people in a better position to have less restraints upon them? Yes! While others have more restraints. Yet we paint the broad brush of “well you could have”. Could they?!? Is it right to say to everyone they could have?

So if the person holds a gun to the woman’s head, and threatens her, and no one is there to defend her. Should she have done a judo chop, kicked the gun away and ran? Is there not debilitating fear playing a role? what if she was physically incapable of overpowering her attacker? What is the difference between a physical gun and perceived threat, a ‘dead baby card’. So do we say to the woman who submitted to the gun, “well, you were weak”. Yet we say to a person who had the dead baby card shoved in their face multiple times “you should have been stronger, known better, whipped out all the statistics and medical facts”. That is just about as realistic as saying to the woman she should have pulled out HER gun on the attacker. Yes, some may carry a gun, and yes, some may be able to battle wits with an OB, but do we expect this of all? Yes unfortunately we do.

Let’s face it, this is what we are demanding of ourselves. To overpower all opposition, to steamroll through medicine, family, finances, miles… Some of us may be able to do this… and some not…

Ok, I am done having deep thoughts now… I hope you had a chance to look and think about these ponderings, and maybe looked and pondered on your own.

A long time...

Well it has been a while. That is for sure. The snow has fallen, the holidays came and went, and we are still here.. :)

The house is wonderful. But just like with our last home, it seems that weekends are marred by chores again. I need to just let go of the OCD clean queen stuff and say "hey a couple of dust bunnies won't kill me"....

I have a new boss, officially now. Don't know what to think of that. I guess only time will tell.

But the real thing on my mind is dealing with a holiday miscarriage, and now seems like we just can't get a baby to stick... Poor Maddie is going nuts about wanting babies, and it just makes the whole thing so much worse.

And now, the board that sets the rules for certified nurse midwives want's to make it against the rules for a HBAC, or a VBAC at a birth center. So in a time when the VBAC rate has plummeted, one more option is being taken away. I see all these ads for Portsmouth Hospital's "womens pavilion" and I want to barf! I am excluded from that. They do not "do" VBACS. Neither does Exeter, York, Wentworth Douglas. So the two options are Manchester, or Boston. Oh, yeah, the third option, just let them cut me open again for no good reason besides I am an insurance risk.

Gag. No one cares. In the age of celebrity cesareans, patient demand cesareans and lawsuit happy hell, no one wants to touch this. SO I am left throwing snowballs into the pits of medical hell, and well, it seems like it does not make one bit of difference.

Bugger.