Halloween

Halloween.

Never really been a fan of it. Guess growing up in CNY, where your choices were limited to what would fit over your snow suit had a bit to do with that.

And since that time, things have made Halloween even more dreadful for me.

It has now been five years since I lost my first pregnancy on Halloween. Trick or Treat huh. Has time mellowed the pain? Sort of. Has the fact that I now have one child helped? A little, but nothing will erase the memories, the pain, the loss that runs so deep. There is forever a void, some days the void is the size of postage stamp and can be easliy overlooked in my hectic life, other days it is a chasim, threatening to swallow and chew me up alive.

I cling to a wonderful idea I heard somewhere by women who have suffered the same fate as I. It goes like this:

"A woman has all the children she will ever have surrounding her as angels circling above. When a woman becomes pregnant, one comes to earth. If a loss happens that little angel goes back up into the holding pattern. When she becomes pregnant again, the other little angels let the one who was not quite cut ahead and try again."

I like that.

Again

Yet again,

DH and I allowed ourselves to be hopefull. Yet again we thought "this might be it". Yet again, it was not it.

Sad, worried, confused. What happened this time? Why not this time? What did we do wrong?

Did I pull the wings off of flies as a child? Did I tear down birds nests? Did I step on ants? What has caused me to bring upon myself and my family such heartbreak?

Don't know where to turn. Don't know what is next.